


Walked Out Of My Dreams

by ZombieRainbowRose



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Drama, Gen, Group Story, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 12:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4138026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieRainbowRose/pseuds/ZombieRainbowRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In times you want to forget, the mind can be a wonderful thing. It can also be dangerous. When tragedy strikes, Brian’s life is irrevocably changed in ways he never could have imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

 

 

** **

 

 

* * *

 

 

 **Backstreet Boy in ‘Larger Than Life’ Accident**  
_Associated Press_  
  
A violent crash on the Los Angeles highway has 35-year-old Backstreet Boy, Brian Littrell in critical condition. Wife, Leighanne Littrell, was thrown from the car on the first impact and died instantly. Their son, Baylee, was not with them at the time.  
  
Police say the accident occurred at the fault of a nighttime truck driver, who’d been driving under the influence. Due to his impaired judgment, the vehicle went over the median and crashed into Littrell’s, causing it to spin and roll several times before landing on the shoulder of the highway.  
  
Management and other members of the group have refused to comment at this time.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
**Backstreet Boy Comes Out Unbreakable**  
_Associated Press_  
  
Two weeks after the tragic accident, Brian Littrell has been released today. The singer was seen to be walking out of the hospital supported by band mate, Nick Carter and cousin Kevin Richardson. He was heavily bandaged around the head and with a cast around his left leg, but all the specific injuries are currently unknown.  
  
“We’re just happy he’s okay.” Said manager Jenn Sousa. “I think everyone needs to give Brian time to heal. We’ve been hit hard by the loss of Leighanne. I can’t imagine how he’s trying to cope with that. Our only plans for now are to help him through this ordeal.”  
  
When questioned, the Backstreet Boys declined to comment.  


* * *

  
  
  
**Brian Littrell Plays Games With Their Hearts**  
_Associated Press_  
  
Two months after the accident that shocked fans around the world and shattered the life of singer Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys, he disappears from public view. Having not been seen for three weeks, family and friends have now put out a desperate search for the vanished pop star. His home having been investigated, police say there is no evidence of foul play to indicate he had been taken by force.  
  
“I don’t care what the cops say,” Says band mate Nick Carter. “Brian wouldn’t just leave on his own. He’s been dealing with a lot, but he would not just up and vanish. Someone took him, and I’m going to make sure whoever is behind it pays for it.”  
  
Brian Littrell has officially been declared a missing person as the police continue their investigation.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

  
  
When I think about my past, it’s a blank. I’m not a hundred percent sure of anything. How can you be, when your life is a blank? I know who I am, though. I know my name, how old I am, where I was born, everything. I even know why I moved to the little island I now come to call home. So it’s not like I forgot everything, I’m just really fuzzy on the specifics.  
  
My name is Brendan Thompson. I’m thirty-eight years old. The reason I moved here? My parents died in a car accident, and this was the place my mother said she grew up. I came back, I guess to reconnect. I’m not entirely sure why I came here. It’s not exactly the most connected place on the planet. Actually, it’s one of the most remote, really. The place I live is a little island with only three hundred people in the population, and I believe I’m overestimating.  
  
I live in this little place called Tristan da Cunha. It’s this small group of volcanic islands right smack in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, down between where South America and Africa lie. I’ve been here about a month or so, and I do stand out a bit. And although I keep to myself, they watch me pretty close, probably because I am an outsider, and those who live here aren’t really used to that. In fact when I decided I wanted to move there, I had to explain why to the Tristan Government before I even could.  
  
I walked down the roads, smiling to myself. Despite the smallness and I’m sure primitiveness some in America would call it, I feel at peace here. It’s not primitive as much as simplistic. They are just a more laid back people, who live off the land and sea. Fishing and Farming are the main ways to survive here. They just rebuilt the fishing factory here in the sole town of Tristan da Cunha, Edinburgh. It had burned down two years prior. That’s where I’m heading actually, as the sun rises slowly into the sky, casting an almost hauntingly red hue along the land. That was where I worked to earn my living and to be honest, despite the fact it’s not glamorous, I enjoyed it. It wasn’t something I dreamed of as a kid, in fact I think I used to want to be a Catholic priest, but I’m not sure. As it goes with anything in my past.  
  
I’ve asked the doctors here if they could figure out why that is. They think maybe it has to do with my parents’ deaths. But even they’re not sure. All I keep getting told is how “the mind can be a mysterious thing”. Can we say understatement?  
  
“Hey there Brendan!” I hear a voice call out, and I smile. It was one of my neighbors. Once they adjust to a newcomer, everyone’s pretty friendly here.  
  
“Hey Carlie,” I headed towards here, where she stood outside her cottage. If you could picture America back in say the early 1900’s, that’s what this place looks like in terms of the town. The small town of Edinburgh was littered with homes of that style. I knew the basics of the area, how to get to the general store, where the church was. The basics. But I didn’t know everything, as I wouldn’t let myself. Not yet anyway, I think I just wanted to settle first.  
  
I can’t say Miss Carlie Contrella hadn’t caught my attention from the day I moved here. She’d shown up at my door, an apple pie in her hand as a welcoming gift. With her soft brown hair, the freckles sprinkled under bright green eyes and over the bridge of her button nose, she’d struck my fancy pretty quick. There were days I often spent my time thinking about her. So why haven’t I made a move? I mean it’s not like I’m some awkward teenager right?  
  
That was where everything got confusing.  
  
Often, when I thought about asking her out on a date, a wave a pain followed. Not physical, but emotional. Like I always got depressed just at the thought. It wasn’t something I understood, so I think I might just get anxious like that. It would also explain why I try so hard to keep to myself even though I love interacting with other people.  
  
“Brendan?”  
  
I glanced up, giving a smile. I’ve always been told I have a pretty one. I guess I know how to use it to my advantage. “Sorry, went off to the moon for a second there.”  
  
She chuckled. “It’s alright; it’s a pretty early morning.” Her voice had a southern drawl to it I found cute. Everyone here had it, sounding a lot like those in Louisiana do. Odd, since the two aren’t even close to each other. But to be honest, at least the language was English. It made my life easier when I decided to move here.  
  
“So, Brendan…”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I was thinking, you’ve been here for a month, and I don’t think you’ve been given a proper tour and all of the town and the sights and all. You’ve been yourself all pitched up in that little house of yours.” Carlie smiled up at me, her dimples showing as she did. She was shorter than me, probably around five feet, two inches. I’m not tall at all, only five inches taller. But hey, I’m taller. And because it’s not a feeling I’m used to, I liked it. A lot. Normally the girls were my height so I couldn’t look down and get that feeling of protecting them. Or, in some cases, they looked down at me. Talk about embarrassing.  
  
“So you want to…”  
  
“Get more acquainted.” I watched her, smiling again as her cheeks tinged pink.  
  
“With the town…with Tristan da Cunha. The island itself is beautiful to explore, when the volcano keeps calm…”  
  
“Sounds perfect.”  
  
“Would you like some company to work?”  
  
I nodded, saying nothing as I enjoyed the moment between us. I took her hand, feeling it in my own. That sudden stab of sadness threatened to arise but I shoved it aside. I wasn’t going to let my anxieties affect me. It was time I let myself relax. Normally I wasn’t so stiff as a person. I loved to be active, to play sports, relax, and maybe act a bit silly when I could. I feel like that accident changed everything about me, even though it was my parents it killed, rather than me.  
  
I guess that sounds silly, right?

 


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**

  
  
My mission was to find my best friend.  
  
Everyone’s told me that if the police can’t find him, I won’t. I begged to differ. If anyone knew Brian, I did. And to be honest, I knew I wouldn’t be able to live my life knowing he was out there somewhere. Held against his will. Cause see, that’s the other damn thing. There was not a chance in hell Brian would just leave on his own. I know him too well, and there is no way he’d leave Baylee behind the way he did. See, Baylee, was visiting his grandparents again. They had been taking him a lot ever since the accident. In fact, I was pretty sure that’s why he wasn’t with them when it happened, lucky for him.  
  
When it happened, and I got that call from the hospital…  
  
I still shuddered when I thought of it. I could’ve never even explained the feelings that came with it. It felt like my heart stopped. I won’t lie. I was with Lauren at the time, and after I answered, well, she told me she thought I’d seen a ghost or something. I just remember thinking, _oh my god, my best friend might be dead_. And that’s the thing; we’re all still pretty young. I mean fuck, I was only thirty, and Brian’s only thirty-five. Death wasn’t something you’d think about, ya know?  
  
But I guess that’s it, ain’t it? Just cause you weren’t thinking about it, didn’t mean it wasn’t gonna happen. Like I never thought Brian would disappear. Even if I did, I didn’t think anyone would have even _dared_ to try and take him right then. Like, how fucked up can you be, ya know? I’ve known I sounded crazy to the rest of the world. People have been saying Brian must’ve been sick of the spotlight, after what happened to Leighanne. Bullshit.  
  
Cause Brian _loved_ the spotlight when it came to performing. _Loved it_. That’s why the man was such a ham for attention. (Not that I have any room to talk on that.) And has the world forgotten Baylee? He’d never consciously abandon his kid. Baylee and Leighanne were Brian’s world. And, now that Leighanne’s gone… well he wouldn’t just leave Baylee to fend for himself.  
  
I remember, after Brian got out of the hospital, he seemed in such a daze. Not like daydreaming. I ain’t explaining this right. It was more of like a daze of grief, but he kept asking if Baylee was okay, did he know… those types of questions. That’s why Brian’s and Leighanne’s parents took turns taking care of Baylee. They knew Brian needed the time to cope and get a handle on things.  
  
And only three weeks later, he was gone.  
  
Now like I said, there’s no way Brian would leave on his own. Something ain’t right, and my ass was finding out. A knock on the door interrupted my train of thought. I had a few guesses as to who it was. Beyond the reporters I mean. Really, there were only a few people.  
  
One of the fellas.  
  
Lauren.  
  
One of my random family members.  
  
No one else came to drop by these days. Apparently I wasn’t fun to be around anymore. Like I gave a damn. My best friend has been missing for two and a half months now. So excuse me for not being their life of the party, but they could kiss my rosy white ass.  
  
The knocking started again and I glanced at the door. “Come in!”  
  
And dum da da da! It was AJ.  
  
Like I said, it wasn’t hard to take a guess these days. AJ was a weird guy these days, and it was one of the few times I understood why. See, a week before the accident, he’d finally married Rochelle. So he’s been on that lovey dovey honeymoon buzz the others went through when they said their _I Do_ s. But then all this shit went down. So he’s been happy, but feeling guilty as hell for feeling happy. And then feeling down because we all miss Brian. It’s how I get when I laugh at something on TV. I hate myself then. Because I know that somewhere, Brian is likely held against his will, and I’m laughing at something stupid. So I see AJ and I know that’s how he’s feeling.  
  
Yeah, that’s right, I can read people.  
  
Nah, actually, AJ was telling me all this the other day. Frick used to be his go to man for talks, he was for me too. He was always really good about advice and listening. Something in those Littrell genes I guess. Now, we went to each other. Still felt weird.  
  
“Hey,” He greeted as he walked in, the barks of my still potty training Doberman Pincher yapping and nipping at his heels as he passed.  
  
“Dobby! Knock it off!”I watched as he settled back down in his little bed in the corner of the living room and I tried to refocus. That ain’t easy with me either ya know.  
  
“Still can't believe you named him Dobby.”  
  
I shrugged, not really saying much. I didn’t say a lot anymore those days. As for my dog, it took me months to find a name for him. And what can I say, I love me some Harry Potter. I’m a nerd that way. I went back to what I was doing. My hands ran across the keyboard on my laptop, trying to find what I could on the internet. Brian had become a conspiracy. People were claiming they spotted him everywhere. It was getting as bad as fucking Elvis. And normally it pissed me off.  
  
Today, I realized it might actually do some damn good.  
  
“Dude, stop playing like a fucking mime. They’re almost as creepy as those damn clowns.” AJ has clown issues. “What are you doing?” I felt him lean in over my shoulder, even though I didn’t actually look up to confirm it.  
  
“Googling, what does it look like?”  
  
“Wait… _Brian Littrell Spottings_? Nick are you fucking kidding me?”  
  
“No.” I replied, my tone was even and low. “You already know what I think about it.”  
  
“I miss him too, but come on. Those people are bullshitting. The police said…”  
  
“There was no sign of forced entry, of struggle, blah blah blah. I was there too ya know.”  
  
“Then why can’t you just accept that maybe… maybe Brian left to try and deal?”  
  
I swerved around in my chair. If looks could kill, AJ would’ve been Backstreet Dust right then and there. Pretty damn sure. My hands clenched the arms of the chair. I was trying so hard to keep my head. It was hard for me, when people made assumptions about Bri like that. No matter who it was. “You really, really think, that he would not only abandon us… ditch the fans, abandon his parents…but you think he would just up and leave Baylee?”  
  
I shouldn’t clench my jaw so hard; it hurts when I do it.  
  
“Baylee was at his parents when he left, he would know they’d take care of him and-”  
  
I rolled my eyes and turned back to my computer. “And he’d still say something. Brian’s better than that. You should fucking know that. I don’t expect the cops to know that, or the media. But I do think you should. Hell, the fucking fans do.”  
  
“He wasn’t himself after it happened. We all know that. Hell, you came to me all upset cause he wouldn’t talk to you! He wouldn’t talk to any of us. He was acting weird when it happened, and he might have just left thinking it was better.”  
  
“He. Would. Never. Do. That.” Each word had a bitter taste as I said it. I shouldn’t have had to defend him this way.  
  
“You don’t know that.” AJ’s voice was quiet, and I knew he was holding back. Just like I was.  
  
“Just go man. I ain’t up to hearing this. You guys can accept that he left. But I ain’t going to. So stop trying to make me.”  
  
I knew he stood there, trying to think of something to say back to me. It was silent in my condo as the tension hung like fog in the air. And as I expected, there were no words. There never were. AJ was always a fan of denial too. He still thinks Kevin’s going to rejoin the group someday. It wasn’t a surprise he wanted to deny the idea that Brian might be in trouble. Leaving hurt, but it was easier to fucking swallow. I heard the door slam behind him and I sighed. Some days were worse than others. Some days we’d talk, like we used to with Brian. Others, we’d end up fighting about what happened.  
  
Most people thought Brian left on his own. I figured they thought that because it’s easier. Easier to think it was a choice instead of forced on him. Screw easy. I didn’t think he did, because it just didn’t fit Brian, who he was. I didn’t give a damn if the world thought I was crazy. I didn’t care that the fellas were worried I was getting obsessed with this.  
  
Everything else can be damned.  
  
I ain’t giving up on Brian.


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three**

  
  
_“Brian, it’s time to wake up.”_  
  
I stirred, expecting to bed in bed. Instead, I was on the side of the road as the rain poured heavily upon them. A blonde woman stood a ways in the distance, watching me with an odd expression upon her face. She looked to be somewhere within her mid to late thirties, maybe even early forties if I was forced to guess. Her clothes stuck to her skin as a result of their downpour, but even so I could tell they were more of a high end in terms of design. Her hair was long, and wavy, a typical bottle blonde color, and sticking to her face.   
  
She watched me as I rose from the slippery asphalt. I glanced behind me to see a completely totaled vehicle only feet away. It was a 2010 Jeep Patriot, though I wasn’t sure how I knew that. I wasn’t sure of anything, really. It was a dark blue and turned over on its head, the windows shattered and blood could be seen along the spider web cracks of the front window. I touched my forehead, pulling my hand away only to see blood. Had I been in the car when it crashed? Then why was I out here?  
  
“What?” Was all I said aloud.  
  
“Brian, you need to stop this, you know you do. Hiding won’t change anything. It only causes more pain.”  
  
I approached her. There was something so familiar about her. Something that called to me, beckoned to me. I felt the urge to wrap her in my embrace and never let go. A yearning to do so almost overcame me. I felt so confused, yet there was something so right about it all. My foot lifted, almost to walk over. Still, I hesitated.   
  
“You can’t.” She said, as if she could hear my thoughts and musings as well.   
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“You can’t be with me now. But that doesn’t mean you can’t go back and be with them, or someone new. Brian, you have to come back. They need you, all of them. Especially…” She turned away from me then, keeping her back to me instead.   
  
“Come back where?”  
  
“It’s time to wake up Brian…”  
  
“Wait!” I yelled as her image faded into the night, bolts of lightning brightening up everything around them in stark and random flashes. I felt myself flying back into the car, propelled by some brute force. I was suddenly blinded by a set of lights from a source I couldn’t quite place.  
  
“Brian…it’s time to wake up.”  
  
“Brian? Do you hear me?”  
  
“Brian…”  
  
I never even thought to ask why she was calling me Brian.   
  
  
  
The alarm blared annoying from the nightstand beside my bed. My hand slammed the snooze button as I blinked slowly. They half opened, taking in my surroundings. Same pale blue walls, same simple furniture I bought at a garage sale and painted white. I was within the same waterbed I got at that same sale for only eighty bucks. The soft pseudo-silk sheets comforted me as I regained my bearings.   
  
I wasn’t in the middle of the road.   
  
I wasn’t stuck in the rain.  
  
I was alone.   
  
I stretched and rubbed my head tiredly. It wasn’t the first of those sorts of dreams, but this one had been more vivid than any of the others. I could almost feel the rain pouring down my skin, even then, when I was still pretty snug inside my bed. I could still feel the pain of her not being there with me, whoever she was. I have no idea. She’s been in every dream though, with that same sad smile, every single time.   
  
This was the first time she talked to me though, called me by a name. A name that wasn’t mine, obviously, but still the woman in the dream was addressing me. Maybe this all goes back to the memories that are still so fuzzy for me? I’m no doctor, and so I have no idea. I only wish someone had the answers.   
  
Even if that person isn’t me.  
  
****  
  
Later that day found me with an apple pie in my hand and over at Carlie’s front door. I’m no master at cooking, in fact I think most of the time I used to eat out. There’s not the most selection here in Tristan da Cunha. It’s mainly cozy diners; well the two restaurants actually here are cozy little diners. Because of that, I’m working on my cooking skills.   
  
Maybe I can invite Carlie over to help me?  
  
Also, this is a nice throwback to the day I met her, I’m hoping this will make her smile. I made it yesterday, hoping maybe I can get that tour I was supposed to get last week. Unluckily for me, I got called in to the factory since someone called out. Good for my paycheck I supposed, but not good for my relationship I’d like to have actually exist.   
  
I feel like I’m still just a teenager when I say that. I wish I could’ve found someone before now, instead of still looking at age thirty-eight. I almost walked away, I could feel my breath quickening, my throat tightened. My nerves had me almost shaking to the point where I dropped the pie that I didn’t even know was edible or not. I hated these anxiety attacks, they started around the time the dreams did.  
  
Maybe they’re related?  
  
“Brendan!” Carlie greeted as she opened the door. I hadn’t even managed to knock yet, instead, I was standing there with the goofiest grin on my face. She must’ve been heading out and I got lucky.   
  
“Hey. I was just about to knock…or maybe just stand here with a pie all day.” I grinned. “I was hoping to pick up that rain check on the tour? I come bringing…well I’m not quite sure it’s desert but we can go on an adventure and find out together?”  
  
She laughed, her nose scrunching in the cutest way. I got the sudden urge to kiss it. I was actually about to, to hell with everything else! At that very realization, I felt the pie fly out of my hands. Suddenly the air I’d been fighting for during my last attack, abandoned me completely. I struggled to breathe; I felt my heart that had been operated on back when I was a teenager attempt to burst through my chest.   
  
Then, there was nothing.

 


	5. Chapter Four

** Chapter Four **

  
  
_Have you ever had a heart attack?  
  
Neither have I, but this was what I always guessed them to feel like. It had felt like my heart exploded in my chest. And then darkness had followed. I knew it was going to rank as one of the scariest moments in my life. Of course the top of that list was the heart surgery I had when I was sixteen. I remember mom and dad couldn’t be there, but I can’t remember why. It’s all fuzzy. I know I felt so alone though, so afraid. And my heart then had been giving me chest pains.   
  
I hope I didn’t scare Carlie too much.   
  
I wasn’t sure where I was, or what I was doing now. But I could sense I wasn’t awake. One of those knowing you’re dreaming type moments. I was standing outside a decorative picture frame, looking in as if I was watching a movie. The frame itself was a bit weird, very childlike, a shiny black covered with glittery golden stars. I could see a younger me, with reddish blond hair, laughing and joking with a tall lanky blonde kid. The younger me jumped on his shoulder’s laughing up a storm as he ran with me across the inside of some large warehouse. Both of us were dressed the same, black pants, black leather jackets, along with black shirts.   
  
I had no idea where any of this was coming from. Then again, I was dreaming, so maybe I made this all up in my head. But that was me, maybe the hair was off, but the face wasn’t. I don’t think I ever dyed my hair that color; I’d always been a natural blonde, with no red. Well, now I was helping nature to stay that color. Not the point.  
  
“Brian!” the skinny blonde kid cried as he let the younger me down. He handed that me a small video camera. “I got an idea, I gotta film you.”  
  
“Ain’t this that camera Howie got from MTV?”  
  
“I borrowed it.”  
  
“You mean stole it.”  
  
“Come on! Go over there, and we’ll act like I’m a spaceship coming at ya.”  
  
“Alright Nick, that’s enough…” Another man, shorter than myself and that blonde kid named Nick, said as he came over. He was Latino, with slicked back hair and a trimmed goatee.   
  
I leaned into the frame, wanting to get closer to the image. To figure this out. Before I could, the scene changed again. It was suddenly a blur; it reminded me of when you look out the window on a speeding bus watching everything you’re passing by. Then, it stopped, like someone pressed the play button. This time, I was standing in a circle. I couldn’t be any older than eighteen. The reason why I knew that? Well I couldn’t have looked any more country. I was wearing flannel, these tight jeans, and cowboy boots. My hair was fluffed up in what I used to think was cool. My cousin, Scott, was beside me, looking stern. He always looked that way. On the other side of me was a younger version of that tall lanky kid Nick. Only now, now he was shorter than me. He couldn’t have been any older than ten, looking scrawny and a bit nerdy himself. There was the Latino guy too, looking younger. Beside him, was another kid, really skinny, wearing sunglasses, and trying to act about five years older than he was.   
  
We started singing. It was an old Temptations song we sang, “My Girl.” But here’s what was crazy, when we started singing, we sounded good. Like when we sang together, it became something special. I felt myself sigh, just watching, feeling wistful for something I never experienced.  
  
Odd ain’t it?  
  
“See what you’re missing?” I turned. It was that woman again, her golden hair curly and framing her face. She wore a white dress now, silky and modest.   
  
“What do you mean?” I asked, feeling confused as ever. I wish someone could clue me in. I’m really tired of not knowing. I don’t even care anymore if I like the answers. I simply want them.   
  
“You have to figure that out. I wish I could tell you.”  
  
I motioned towards the frame, still seeing the four others plus myself, singing happily. That younger me was so wrapped up in the moment. Like there was nothing better. I always liked music, but it never went anywhere. I never made an effort for it to. But seeing that, I could feel the deep regret at that one little fact. It was what could’ve been, what I could’ve loved doing. It looked fun.   
  
“What is all that?”  
  
“Don’t you know? You should, oh Brian you should. That right there, is everything.”  
  
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. What to do. None of this made sense, and I was really about to chalk it up as something my brain conjured up because my body had gone into shutdown mode.  
  
“Can’t you see?” She came up to me, touching my face with the gentlest manner. Her blue eyes, so beautiful to me, were filled with despair. Once again I had the urge to hold on my arms, hold her tight and never let go.   
  
She whispered in my ear. “Brian… Can’t you see?”_  
  
  
“You see?” A male voice said this time as bright lights blinded me. White. Nothing but white. “It was a panic attack. I’m not quite sure what brought this on, but it sounds like it was severe, Miss Contrella.”  
  
“It looks like he’s waking up.” I could hear her say excitedly as my vision came into focus. I blinked a bit, trying to adjust.   
  
Three very important things came instantly to my attention. I was in a hospital gown. I was staring up at Dr. Woo, and Carlie was looking at me with the strangest expression. Dr. Woo wasn’t Asian, which was weird given the name. When I first went to him for a checkup, that was what I expected. Instead, I got a tanned guy with shaggy blonde hair, blue eyes, and looked like he belonged in California. Not that I was all that sure that’s what people in California looked like, but they did on TV anyway.   
  
Oddly, he reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  
  
Oh well.  
  
“Brendan?”  
  
I felt myself smile. She’s just so pretty. I couldn’t help it, really. And of course when I’m staring at a pretty girl, I always ended up at my old fallback. Even when I’m practically naked under a hospital gown, and probably looked pretty crappy.   
  
“Am I still dreaming? No way can I be awake and have an angel staring down at me.” Give a really cheesy pick up line, and hope it’s corny enough to make her laugh.   
  
She giggled, and I watched her nose scrunch up. This wasn’t exactly how I planned our date to go. It’s like fate is against this or something. Something’s gone wrong every time we tried. “You’re such a cornball.” Her lips came to my forehead, a sweet friendly kiss. “But I’m glad you’re okay.”  
  
I grinned widely. “If I wasn’t feeling good before, I do now.”  
  
Dr. Woo watched me carefully as I sat up slowly. It wasn’t that I was sore; I was just _really_ self conscious of flashing poor Carlie accidentally. I don’t think either one of us can take any more awkward moments today. He tugged the top of my gown down, brought the stethoscope up to my chest, and listened carefully. He must’ve been worried about heart problems too.   
  
“Everything sounds okay.” He remarked after a few minutes. I sigh. The last thing I needed was more heart problems. I felt like I’ve had enough to last a lifetime thank you very much. A hole in the heart is one thing, anything after that could lead to say, open heart surgery. It’s a big fear of mine. That and heights.  
  
Heights just freaked me out. Maybe God knew that and that’s why I’m not all that tall.   
  
“Any dizziness, shortness of breath…?”  
  
I shook my head. I felt fine now, really, which was odd. That last one was really bad and I had no idea what brought it on when I seemed okay before. I mean, I was prone to panic attacks, but none of them had been anything close to that bad. I had been thinking it may have just been physical. But clearly, that’s not it now.   
  
“Is this the first time you’ve had an anxiety attack?”  
  
I shook my head. “No, they’ve been happening recently.”  
  
He nodded, jotting down something on his clipboard. I know I lost my happy expression. Note taking and doctors didn’t mean happy endings, generally speaking. Just my experience.  
  
“Alright, well I’m gonna recommend you see the local psychologist, Dr. Woo.”  
  
I raised a brow. “Dr. Woo?”  
  
He grinned. “My wife.” Oddly, I glanced at my own bare hand, as if there should be a ring. Of course, there wasn’t. “She’ll see if we can’t find the source to this.”  
  
I couldn’t help but smile a bit as I nodded. Maybe now, I could get some answers. I felt Carlie squeeze my hand encouragingly. The dreams I had came to mind, but I shoved them aside. The psychologist could help me figure out why I was making up all these random things. For now, I decided not to worry. Despite everything, the day seemed to suddenly get a whole lot brighter.   
  
Life was weird that way.


	6. Chapter Five

** Chapter Five **

  
  
Call me crazy, but everything felt wrong.   
  
I don’t know, the guys always said I watched way too many movies and TV. But ya know, my spidey senses were a-tingling. I just felt like Brian was lost out there somewhere and needed my help more than ever. Fuck. Maybe I was crazy, I sounded that way. Wait, do crazy people even think they’re crazy? I think someone told me crazy people think they’re sane…  
  
Sidetracking. Sorry!  
  
If I was crazy, it wasn’t exactly breaking news ya know. I say that too much. I blame Howie. Don’t know why, but I do. He’s always been really easy to blame. Who needed a reason?   
  
I really should try to focus.   
  
Dobby was nipping at my heels as I made my way back to my laptop. I got comfortable on my couch, and started surfing the net yet again. I made the search daily. It boggled my mind the way Brian had become somewhat of an urban legend. We weren’t even _that_ popular in the world anymore, not the way we used to be. It made me sick to know Brian got us back in the public eye. Suddenly the last two albums made incredibly shocking jumps up into _Billboard’s Top 100_ about a week ago. Last I checked, _This Is Us_ was at number twenty five, while _Unbreakable_ sat at fifteen.   
  
Jive about had a field day. They wanted us back now, you know. Even though we’d just hooked up with Universal. The whole damn thing was disgusting. My best friend having gone missing, was able to sell records. It got us all over the media. It got us splashed over every tabloid you could name. Backstreet Boys were suddenly cool to talk about again. It was shit we’d been wanting since _Black and Blue_ and our hiatus that followed.   
  
And did anyone really care?   
  
No. Instead the media was all focused on the sales, the conspiracy theories.   
  
No one really gave a damn about actually _finding_ Brian.   
  
See, that’s what’s wrong with the world. It was all about hype, this fakeness that seemed to seep into everything. While people cared about the “legend” of a Backstreet Boy gone MIA, I actually wanted to have him back. I needed my best friend, the fellas needed him, Baylee needed his father, Jackie and Harold needed their son.   
  
The fellas kept telling me I was obsessing. So what if I spent my time trying to find hints of where he went? Personally, I think that’s what they should be doing. But they’re not, and Kevin, AJ and Howie thought I was losing it. I love the guys; they’re my brothers in the way it counts. You’d think they’d see that that’s why I’d been trying so hard. Time passed by without meaning these days anyway. We weren’t going to go on without Brian. I thought about the whole solo thing, but it felt like I was giving up on the group anytime I considered it.   
  
I knew that wasn’t true, I guess. It was that that in my head, it _felt_ true.   
  
The days morphed into weeks, and the weeks became months, I don’t know, I felt trapped. I don’t know if I can explain it. I didn’t want to try and move on, especially musically. It felt like I just, tossed him aside. So I kept at my search, in hopes that someday, someday, I could find a way to bring Baylee back his father.   
  
_Baylee_ , it hurt to think of him. He wasn’t coping too well. In fact he was due to come by today but he hadn’t for some reason just yet. I’m worried about him. But what could I expect, given what he’d been forced to deal with? His mother is dead. And as his father fought to recover, he completely vanished on the weekend he was visiting his grandparents. There was just so much that was unfair, about all of it.  
  
Life’s never been fair though.   
  
The doorbell rang as I clicked on a new website that came up in my Google search. Google was my friend. Stretching, I stood and made my way at the door. Dobby followed, whining as he did for his daily walk. I knew I was neglecting him, that I wasn’t doing I should be. It was just; I felt distanced from everything the longer Brian was gone. I patted him on the head before opening the door.   
  
_I gotta take him for a run later._  
  
“You called us over?” AJ asked, and I was forced back to reality. He stood there looking at me with that same weird expression. Howie and Kevin stood behind him. Kevin shook his head sadly; Howie seemed to be busy with his iPhone. I stared at them a moment, and then it clicked. I had called them earlier. I nodded and stepped back so they could come in. Dobby barked happily, wiggling excitedly at the fact more people were here to pet on him. I walked to my living room and sat, watching them.   
  
“Nick?” Kevin said, raising one of his giant eyebrows at me.   
  
“Look, it’s about Brian…”  
  
“Fuck, not this again!”’  
  
“Hey, I thought we agreed we’d try to move on. The police said there was no signs of him being taken, none of a struggle…”  
  
“Are you kidding me? You’re going to believe them, people who don’t even _know_ Brian?! It’s only been two months-“  
  
“-Almost three…” Howie interjected.  
  
“…And you’re ready to move on and pretend he’s gone on vacation!”   
  
“We know how you feel…”  
  
“Do you Kevin? You’d think since he’s your flesh and blood, your fucking family, you’d give more of a damn. Have y’all been checking in on Baylee? Do you see what this is doing to him?!”  
  
“You…need to _think_ about what you’re saying Nick.”  
  
“Really Howie? Why? You guys think I’m crazy, and me? I think you’re wanting to believe the cops cause it’s easier than trying to believe the truth! That Brian’s God-Knows-Where and that something’s _wrong!_ You can’t just leave it to me. I need to know what happened. I care enough to know what happened. I thought you guys would too.”  
  
I was met with silence.   
  
Rage fueled me easily right then. It was just so frustrating. It was no more their fault than mine, and deep down, I knew that. It just felt easier to unleash on them, for not understanding. It was wrong, sure. I knew I would be feeling incredibly shitty about this later. They didn’t deserve it at all. A situation like this, it never brought people together.   
  
It usually tore them apart.   
  
At that moment, Kevin’s eyes met mine. The vein along his temple was pulsating, his jaw clenched. I once knew this expression really well from my teenager days in the group. It was easy to see that it was all he had to keep himself from lunging at me. I knew I went too far. And the kicker? I didn’t care. I needed to make them see that we couldn’t give up on him. No matter what the “evidence” said.   
  
I knew once we gave up, Brian would be lost. It was just a feeling that gnawed at me from within, one that refused to leave me alone in peace.   
  
“Nick! Your fucking dog is peeing on my fucking leg!”  
  
You could always count on AJ to ease the tension too.   
  
****  
  
Christmas.   
  
It didn’t feel like Christmas. I had the tree up (with no presents underneath cause Dobby keeps marking it as his), and I didn’t feel like dealing with my dysfunctional family this year. Normally, I always went to Kevin’s, or Brian’s, for their big family get-together. They’ve considered me one of them for years, I’d always been lucky to have them when my own family was a mess.   
  
This year, I spent the morning alone. Things were still a bit rough with Kevin. AJ was still mad at me for what I’d said last week. Howie said I was welcome, but it was James’ first Christmas, and I knew deep down Howie wanted it to just be the three of them. And I understood that. So Lauren spent the night at my place. The morning was spent with the two of us, her dog Igby, and Dobby, all under the tree unwrapping the presents.   
  
I wondered what Brian was doing, if he knew everyone he loved missed him.  
  
She was making a small version of Christmas dinner in the kitchen, humming to herself. I wished I could have her cheer, even though I knew part of it was for my sake. I leaned across the counter, watching her booty shake to the tune she was singing.   
  
That was when I got the phone call.   
  
“Hello?” Lauren answered, she was closer. That, and I was once again surfing the net through my Blackberry. No new sightings since the last time I checked.   
  
_Damn._  
  
“Nick?” Her hand rested on her shoulder, and instinctively laid my head down on it, almost nuzzling it. She’d been so understanding. I knew I’d been acting a bit weird, even for my standards. Yet she supported me, tried to be there even when she couldn’t understand.   
  
I took the phone, placing it to my ear.  
  
“Uncle Nick…”  
  
It was Baylee.  
  
“Hey kiddo. What’s up?”  
  
I could hear him trying to choke down the sobs, and my heart snapped right then and there. How could anyone believe Brian would knowingly do this to him? Baylee had once been his world. Lauren kissed my cheek, smiled that beautiful smile, and went back to her cooking. I walked over and plopped in my couch, once again thankful for the girlfriend I didn’t deserve.   
  
He sniffled, and I swallowed hard.   
  
“I just miss them. Grandma and Grandpa are here…but it’s just, not the same.”  
  
“I know little man…” I said, using the old term of endearment Kevin once loved to use with me. “Hey, why don’t I come up there in a few days?”   
  
I knew I could check out Brian’s house again; maybe look for things that I missed before when the police were doing their so called “investigation”. And most importantly, Baylee needed me. He needed a connection to the time before the accident, and with the rest of us out in LA, it made everything harder, I realized.   
  
“…come up here?” He asked, and I could tell that while I’d been mulling over what I’d just said, he’d been crying again. “Really?” His voice lifted.   
  
“Yeah, and maybe we could, visit your mom.” One thing I disagreed with the Jackie on, was the idea Baylee shouldn’t be visiting his mother’s grave. It’s hard, but since that’s the one thing he can understand, I thought he should visit.   
  
“I wish they were here.” A pause. “Why did God do this?”  
  
I’ve never been a religious sort of man. The most I’ve ever been was going to church on holidays with Brian. Usually it was on tour, when Leighanne was back at home with Baylee. I’m more what you’d call “spiritual”? I know something created us, put us here, I always thought there was a purpose, even in my darker, fucked up days. But I don’t know if I ever brought any of the stories in the Bible – not that I’d ever told Brian that.   
  
“It’s…it’s just not fair. Why did mom have to die? Where’s my dad, why did he have to go too?! It’s Christmas, and _all_ I wished for, was for them to be here Uncle Nick. For dad to come home, for mom to be alive again. “  
  
He started crying again, even harder. I felt a solitary tear of my own start to slowly trickle down my cheek. I sighed. Dobby hopped up on the couch, burying his nose against my chest. I rubbed his body soothing; the action comforted me only slightly. I wished more than anything, that I had the answers for him. And somehow, someway, I knew I was going to have to be the one to find them.   
  
“Why would God take them away?”  
  
“I don’t know Baylee…I just don’t know.”


	7. Chapter Six

** Chapter Six **

  
  
_“Congratulations Brian…it’s a Boy!”  
  
I looked down at the little, screaming, bundle of joy sitting in my arms. I couldn’t believe that this little boy was mine. Would I be a good father? Like the man my father had always been, could I live up to that? I glanced at my wife. My tired yet beautiful wife. She beamed at me, an expression of pure joy. It sparkled in her eyes, and filled her smile with life.   
  
I stood in the doorway, watching a man I knew to be myself. He looked younger, happier. But it was me. Going by the name I knew couldn’t be mine. Having the things I always wanted, but hadn’t yet managed to grasp.   
  
“The name?”  
  
“Baylee.” The other me had answered. “Baylee Thomas Wylee Littrell.” There was so much pride in his voice.   
  
“He’s beautiful.” The mother replied, the woman who continued to haunt my dreams. I couldn’t bear to look at her for some reason. It, it just got to me.   
  
I turned, and started walking down the hospital corridor. Oddly, this felt familiar as well. Not real, but familiar, like I played out this scene before. I glanced off to the side, and there was me again, far younger than the man I’d been watching in the room. But yet, it was still me, just how I’d been in my early twenties. The hall was empty except for the two of us.   
  
There was something odd about him though, other than the fact he was singing at the window of the room he was staring into. I looked down at myself, at my skin tone, then back at the younger me. He was lacking color, not grey, but just, I don’t know. I couldn’t think of terms in my head, it wasn’t the easiest to describe.   
  
He took no notice of me when I made my way over to him. He continued to sing, completely oblivious to my presence. The melody was haunting, yet beautiful. It took me in, struck a familiar chord, like there was something missing in my heart. I stepped beside him, looked into the window to see what he was staring at. Before I could get a good look, doctors rushed in and out, obscuring my view.   
  
The younger me continued to sing, and I was touched at the pain ringing through the song.  
  
I started to walk away; he too, did the same. Doctors rushed by eyes by neither of us took any real notice of them. The doors at the end of the hall opened, and a bright light filled my vision. The youthful me was gone. I was out on the road, it was nighttime, and the rain came down in vicious downpour.   
  
I wiped some water away from my eyes and walked forward. Another scene that felt familiar, though incomplete. Headlights brightened the night between the flashes of lightning. They came around the bend, the Jeep they came from swerving on the turn. It spun out of control, going off into the shoulder of road across from where I stood. The car rolled, and a woman was flung from the car and slammed head first into a tree.   
  
When the car stopped, I rushed forward. First I checked the young woman, and gasped at the face I saw. It was the same one who gave birth earlier. I checked her pulse, not that I needed to. Her head was slumped at an awkward angle, she was clearly dead. I ran back to the car, in hopes the other person hadn’t met their end. I glanced through the window of the totaled car, seeing myself, bloodied, damaged, unconscious, but alive.   
  
This time, he was my age.   
  
All I could do was scream. _  
  
  
I woke up screaming, terrified at the images that still danced around my mind. My eyes snapped open, I breathed heavily as I rushed up from my bed. I ran to the bathroom, checking myself over in the mirror. I ran a hand through my hair, my thinning hair that I managed to hide with a nice collection of baseball caps. It wasn’t bad yet, but it was slowly getting there. I turned on the facet, collecting some water in my hands and splashing my face to try and bring myself back to reality. I looked at my reflection in the mirror again.   
  
The dream, it felt so real.   
  
I paced the floor of my bathroom, trying to put this all together. My mind was faulty these days when it came to my life, my past, and my memories. I knew some sketchy details, attempted to fill in the blanks logically. But actual memories? Those were few and far between. And wasn’t that what made someone who they were? Their past, their experiences?   
  
So what made me, if I couldn’t remember much of that?  
  
It was a question that had begun to haunt me.  
  
I’d had my first therapy session with the female Dr. Woo yesterday. As I had guessed, this wasn’t normal. It wasn’t what I would call a big shock, being told that. She had her theories, about why I couldn’t remember much more than the basics. None of them seemed like they fit for me. She thought maybe my panic attacks were because I was trying to remember. That Carlie reminded me of someone I once knew. I don’t know if I agreed, but then again, I’m not the psychologist.   
  
I hadn’t told her about my dreams yet.   
  
I hadn’t told anyone.   
  
How could I tell anyone about something I hadn’t even begun to understand myself?  
  
****  
  
The night had been a good one, a simple dinner where I cooked for Carlie. And now here we were, walking under the stars, enjoying the peace in the night. Crickets could be heard chirping a sweet melody. Most people were inside, and I was enjoying the solitude and seclusion given to us. It was like we were thrown back in time. Back before the days of technology and noise. That was the beauty of Tristan da Cunha, the timelessness of the land. The way it goes undisturbed overall as the rest of the world fights to rush forward. And lately, the people, the people who are like their own little family. They were distrustful of outsiders, but once in, more accepting than most communities.   
  
“This is really nice Brendan, I’m glad you’re doing better.” Carlie said kindly, breaking through my thoughts.   
  
“Thanks, sorry if I scared you before. I didn’t used to be like this.”  
  
She shook her head, her gentle brown curls bouncing about her heart-shaped face. Her smile was cute and open; I could see the small gap between her front teeth. It was always the friendliness that attracted me to her. “Everyone has their flaws, no one’s perfect right? The only perfect one is God.”  
  
“You’re religious?” I asked with surprise. It was simply a subject that never came up, but I really liked that she was.   
  
She nodded and continued walking; we could hear the livestock moving around on the various farms. “My father was an Anglican Priest, religion was his life. He believed in it so much.”  
  
“You say _he_ like it was your father who believed it, not you.”  
  
“I did, but I question it sometimes. It’s hard not to, you know? My mother, she died when I was very young. Some virus that swept through the island. When I was little, and did my bedtime prayers, I’d ask God why He took my mom away from me before I got to know her. I never got an answer of course, but I have faith, all the same. Just not as steadfast as my father’s was, it never faltered, even when he got sick and later died, of skin cancer.”  
  
I swallowed hard then, understanding her grief. It was weird though, because instead of thinking about my parents, my mind flashed back to the dream I’d awoken from that morning. The loss in the dream, felt suddenly more real than the loss of my parents. The loss that had led me back to this tiny island.   
  
“I’m sorry, it can’t be easy.”  
  
“It’s alright; I’ve learned to accept it. I have my students to keep me busy. School isn’t taken that seriously here, most kids stop at around fifteen, but I like to think I help make a difference anyway. What about you though? Are you religious at all?”  
  
“I was,” I found myself saying. “I lost faith just before I moved here. It’s hard; I’m not sure what I believe in anymore.”  
  
“You’ll find your way.”  
  
“You sound sure.”  
  
She shrugged simply. “I know you, I have faith is all.”  
  
I laughed, walking closer to the beaches. We watched the waves crash against the rocks along the shore. A wind picked up, and when I saw her shiver, I wrapped my arm around her. I hear her sigh, and I smile to myself.   
  
“I’m surprised you’re still here, you know.” Carlie suddenly says.   
  
“Oh?”  
  
“See, most outsiders don’t stay. Our government, they’re very picky about who they let in. It used to be that people weren’t allowed to move here at all. But I’m glad you did.”  
  
I beamed to myself. “I’m glad too.”  
  
“You don’t get bored here? I’m sure we’re a bit simple compared to America. We didn’t even get TV till about ten years ago.”  
  
“I like it. Simplicity was what I needed, and America’s missing one thing.”  
  
“What’s that?”  
  
I turned her towards me; my hands ran down her arms with the gentlest of touches. I then reached up and stroked the side of her face as her beauty is illuminated by the full moon above us. Her eyes met mine.   
  
“You.”  
  
I pulled her close and my lips met hers. It was bittersweet. It was like a battle raged inside me that I couldn’t begin to comprehend. Part of was excited, it was that feeling that had my hands running down along her back. That feeling drove me to deepen the kiss, satisfied my deepest cravings. Yet there was another side to me as well.   
  
I could hear it, fought to ignore it. It screamed in protest, shouted at me that This Was Wrong! Despite the reasons as to why this was just completely irrational, I couldn’t deny that it was tearing me up inside. Guilt rushed through my veins, churned my stomach. Finally I pulled away, unable to fight it. I turned away as tears inexplicably stung my eyes, wiped them off quickly before Carlie could see. I found myself faking a cough, to explain myself without words. I turned back towards her with a forced smile.   
  
_At least there wasn’t a panic attack this time_. For that, I was thankful.   
  
“You’re so sweet Brendan, a perfect gentleman.” She said, unaware of my own inner war.   
  
I nodded, guiding her away from the shore with my arm wrapped around her. She didn’t see my face and I was grateful for the night. I didn’t say anything more as we walked back to our homes together. It was too hard to carry any sort of conversation. Not when my own heart was shattering into a million pieces. Not when I wanted to be with her more than anything despite that.  
  
Not when I felt like I just killed someone, and I couldn’t even explain why.


	8. Chapter Seven

** Chapter Seven **

  
  
It’s amazing how much bad shit ages you.   
  
I felt like I was fifty, rather than thirty.  
  
It wasn’t easy for me, walking along the grassy fields with Baylee’s hand held tightly in mine. I noticed how much smaller it was, how fragile. I forgot sometimes just how damn young the kid actually is. Shit, he’s too young to be dealing with all this. No wonder he called me just a week before. I smiled down at him, tousling those curls Leighanne used to always fuss over. Jackie and Harold had just cut it, I could tell. Leighanne and I weren’t exactly best friends, but we learned how to be friends anyway.   
  
One of the long standing running jokes was her “swear jar” that she would follow me around with on tour. Leighanne knew that drove me crazy so she’d shake it and get me to drop money in it anytime I cursed. And shit, I cursed more just because I knew it drove her crazy. It made us laugh, the play fights that always came with that. Another one was her son’s hair; I used to always tell her that Baylee should just be in a rock band so that she’d never have to cut it. She hated the idea of cutting the poor kids hair. She used to moan anytime Brian finally got her to do it. Poor Baylee would start sulking about how he looked “like a girl” till finally his dad got her to cave and take him to the stylist.   
  
I bet anything Baylee would have his hair go down to the floor if it meant having her back.   
  
“You okay?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer.   
  
He shook his head, and turned away from me. His body shook as the silent tears started once again. I was amazed he had any left. But then again, death doesn’t feel real till you’re there visiting the grave. Staring at the ground, knowing they’re underneath. Leighanne would never tease me about shaving my head again. She wouldn’t be able to see Baylee do anymore plays. She wouldn’t be calling out for “Husband”. Her smile, her laugh, her overprotective nature with her son, all of that was gone for good. And Baylee was only eight years old, far too young to lose his mom.   
  
She’d never be able to see him grow up.   
  
“I miss her so much.”  
  
“Me too, Bay, me too.”  
  
“Do you believe she’s in Heaven?”  
  
I swallowed hard, forced back my initial response of _I don’t know_ , because he didn’t need or want to hear that right then. I had to be the rock for him. “I think she is. She’s watching you little man, and she wants you and your dad to be happy.”  
  
“Where is daddy, Uncle Nick?”  
  
I sat down beside the grave, immediately pulling Baylee down into my lap. No words were said, I think we both needed the silence. He reached out and touched the tombstone. It was a simple, gentle, yet loving touch. Like he was trying to touch his mother one last time. I stared at it myself, reading the words I’d seen before. There was a bouquet there. In honor of both her and Brian, I had a flower service deliver them weekly. I read the works written on the stone, words I read many times by now. Still, it hit me again like I’d never seen them before.   
  
  


**Leighanne Reena Wallace Littrell  
July 20th, 1969 – September 2nd, 2010  
Loving Wife and Mother  
 _“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.  
Death cannot kill what never dies”_**

  
  
  
I never answered his question about Brian. How could I?  
  
The sun began to sat, but I knew Baylee didn’t want to leave just yet. I just held him in my arms, as he cried silently. I didn’t acknowledge the tears that came from him, because they only appeared when his back was to me. Baylee wanted to be strong. He didn’t need to be, but I knew I needed to let him think he was. The whole thing sucked. Too many people were trying to protect him, to shield him. But you couldn’t keep him from this kind of pain.   
  
The only thing anyone could do, was to embrace it with him.   
  
****  
  
After I dropped Baylee back off with Jackie and Harold, there was another place I had to go. I drove all night, speeding recklessly I’m sure. I didn’t care much. It wouldn’t be the first time if I got stuck with a damn speeding ticket.   
  
Dawn was breaking as I walked up to Brian’s cozy home in Marietta, Georgia. And you know what’s crazy? For a moment, a half insane part of me expected him to be there when I opened the door. It wasn’t an over the top, large, celebrity mansion. It was a comfortable, spacious, ranch house. Basically, it was Brian made into architecture.   
  
I used my key to get in; the emptiness greeted me like an old buddy.   
  
I stepped through carefully; it was like Brian never left. Stuff left over from their final anniversary together was still on the coffee table, flowers long since wilted had fallen on the floor. It felt like I walked into a shrine. I hadn’t been here since the investigators had swept through the place. I’d been too out of it, too stunned at everything that happened to pay attention when they did it. Not that they did any good or anything.   
  
Memories flashed before me. How many times did I stop by here? How many years had we been friends? I remembered when he bought the place, just before the wedding. He’d been so proud of it, wanting to surprise Leighanne. It felt like it happened centuries before. Almost like it wasn’t real anymore, that it had only been a dream. With a sigh I walked up the stairs, glancing idly at the pictures hung proudly on the walls. None of the record plaques were up; those were all down in Brian’s private studio in the basement.   
  
Instead, these were pictures of him with his family, with us. There were so many from past tours, some with me or the others, some with Leighanne and Baylee. A few were random, like Brian sitting atop this huge damn rooster statue he’d come upon in front of a restaurant. We couldn’t stop laughing at him.  
  
  
 _“Look at you, mounting that huge cock! And we wonder why the media thinks we’re gay.”  
  
“This is awesome, take a picture Nick so I can hang it on my wall…”  
  
“You’d never put this up.”  
  
“Me on top of this giant cock? I will, watch me!”  
  
“That doesn’t sound very Christian Bri…”  
  
“Ha ha ha. Now take that picture!” _  
  
  
I smiled to myself as I reminisced. A sound caused me to pause. It sounded like footsteps, maybe from downstairs. I could’ve been hearing things, but I could’ve sworn there was another person in the place. That was impossible though. We didn’t even have the housekeeper stop by anymore. None of us saw the point of letting Brian’s accountant pay her when there was no one living there. Actually, they fought me on the idea of letting the guy paying the utility bills for the same reason, but I knew I’d come back to try and find a sign. We knew Brian better than anyone. It wasn’t going to be cops who found him; it was going to be us.   
  
Or, ya know, me finding a sign and then hiring a private investigator to find him once I could point him in some kind of direction. All comes down to the same thing.   
  
When I didn’t hear anything, I continued up the stairs. I passed by Baylee’s room, the guest room, the room Leighanne used to use to make her Wylee stuff in, and made a beeline for the room that was once Leighanne and Brian’s. It looked different than the way it used to. All of Leighanne’s things had been put aside in boxes. After Brian started recovering from the accident, he’d withdrawn, stopped talking to any of us. Kneeling down, I pulled one of the boxes over to me. I hadn’t known that he’d been doing this though; I would’ve helped him – if he had let me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine all the shit he’d been dealing with. And now who knows what happened to him.   
  
“He did this right before he vanished.” A slow southern drawl said from the corner of the room. I jumped with surprise but didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. I still felt bad for the way I talked to him the last time we’d met up. He hadn’t deserved the way I’d treated him. None of them had. Kevin just had a way of making you feel even shittier. It’s always been a gift of his.   
  
“Why are you here?” I asked, sifting through the boxes a bit. You never knew what could be important, what might’ve been missed.   
  
“You’re not the only one who comes to visit and check on Baylee. Aunt Jackie said you were going to be here. I came because well, thought about what you said.”  
  
My brow quirked as I turned towards him. Kevin, admitting I might be right. “No, seriously.”  
  
His lips twitched, I knew he was trying not to smirk. “I mean it.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“You had a point; it’s easier to think Brian left on his own than to think something happened.” He ran a hand through his hair. Kevin was always the big brother, the surrogate father when mine kept on failing throughout my life. Even after he left the group, he never stepped away from that role. Seeing him so strained like that, so tired and worn, with the lines deepened around his eyes, it had a weird affect on me that day.   
  
“So you think I might be right.”  
  
“He wouldn’t just abandon Baylee, anymore than I’d abandon Mason.”  
  
I smiled. Finally, someone didn’t think I was crazy or naïve.   
  
“We may not find any answers.”  
  
“But you wanna help me try.”  
  
He nodded as I stood and hugged him. I felt him ruffle my hair in that way I always hated, and sighed. Kevin smiled down at me, in that fatherly way. He always understood me, maybe it was the irony. He was the youngest in his family, oldest in the group, and me being the opposite. I pulled away, and slowly went back to what I was doing. I saw Kevin pull one of the other boxes. As I was sifting through, the silence was slowly killing me. I’ve always hated quiet, hated it. I blame the whole ADHD thing.   
  
“I’m sorry I was an ass.” Also, I felt extremely guilty. Stupid conscience.   
  
“It’s okay, I’m used to it.”   
  
I laughed. “Gee thanks.”  
  
“So what are we looking for, do you know?”  
  
“I have no idea.”  
  
“Do you ever?”  
  
“Funny! We’ll know it when I see it… I think.”  
  
What we needed, was a sign. Anything. Something to give me a trail to follow. Something to help me believe that I’d been right this whole time. I never would’ve admitted it to anyone, but as the days went by, I found myself faltering. I found myself wondering what I’d do even if I did find something. I was a Backstreet Boy for Christ’s sakes, what the hell did I know about helping anyone? And what if it was too late? It’d been two months as it was.  
  
If nothing came, if nothing was found, eventually even I’d give up.   
  
If that happened, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to look Baylee in the eye ever again.   
  
“Hey Nick…” Kevin called, after a few hours of carefully examining the room had passed. Both of us were getting tired by that point. Not to mention, I was freaking _starving_.   
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“I think I found something.”


	9. Chapter Eight

** Chapter Eight **

  
  
Some days, it felt like time was running out.  
  
I don’t know why it felt like that, but it did for me.   
  
I felt like I had to go back soon. But go back where? To the States? No, I didn’t want to go back there. Something kept telling me I should, that I needed to. But there was another part of me that fought it so badly, like I’d be walking into a world of pain if I even considered the idea. My breath would get short, I’d start warming up. All the signs of panic attack. I had to keep the thoughts out of my head, rationalize, calm myself like my therapist told me.   
  
Easier said than done of course.   
  
I was walking along the side of the road to my therapy session. I really did need a car, but those also brought along the panic attacks. Or at least the beginning symptoms. I’d find myself rationalizing how it was easier not to get one. It worked on a basic level, but deep down I knew it was just another issue to add to the list. That list was getting pretty long. The top of it though, had my dreams. I had no idea what to make of any of them anymore. They seemed to be of myself, another me, another life.   
  
Maybe it’s the life I wish I had?  
  
Look at me, trying to play psychologist.   
  
But my life just felt empty, despite everything. Maybe it’s because I still had virtually no one outside of Carlie. There were coworkers I had of course. But to be honest I wasn’t exactly friends with any of them. They were more acquaintances. It’s another reason why I needed therapy I supposed. I’m the kind of guy who loves to have people around him. I enjoyed their company, sometimes fed off of the attention. Yet, when any of them ever invited me to their place to hang out or to go to a local bar to relax, I always found a reason not to. I felt afraid to. Nothing like my panic attacks, but just nervous at the idea of letting someone into my life.   
  
There’s so much wrong with me.   
  
The walk wasn’t a long one and the day was one of the better ones. New Year’s Eve was today, and it was making me think a lot about how things changed for me. Like living here, a place I thought I would never go to, but found to be my sanctuary. Honestly if it hadn’t been for their recent policy change on new residents, I wouldn’t be. I was thankful for it. This was a place that I found peaceful and soothing. Also, of course, I met Carlie. That was another thing I was trying to work out. My feelings for her. I really liked her. She was sweet, uplifting, so firm in the idea of faith. It was a rarity.  
  
I never understood how people could look upon the beauty in the world and not see God.   
  
I approach my therapists office soon enough. It’s not really an office as much as a refurbished home turned into an office. I walk in and sit on the couch in what was once someone’s living room. I wonder how many sessions it will take before she figures out what’s wrong with me. Then again, I’m lucky there’s someone here to help me at all. Ten years ago, there weren’t any psychologists in Tristan Da Cunha. Only recently have they been catching up with the world around them outside.   
  
Dr. Woo stepped out of the office not too long after I got there. She, unlike her husband, was not blonde and fair skinned. She had darker, tanned skin and long wavy hair that reminded me of ravens, it was that dark. Her blue eyes watched me, friendly in their gaze. I stood and followed her into the next room, getting comfortable upon yet another couch. It always struck me funny, laying back in the perfect therapy stereotype. All I needed was a guy with a beard and a weird accent helping me instead.   
  
“How are we today Brian?”  
  
I blinked. _What did she call me?_  
  
“Brendan? Are you all right?”  
  
I shook my head. “Sorry, I thought you said something else.” I smiled, unsure why I decided not to explain. “I’m doing better today.”  
  
“Have you been able to remember anything more recently?”   
  
“No, I try and all I’m able to do is give myself a headache.”  
  
Her eyes a narrowed a bit as she wrote something down. Part of me wanted to go up and see her notes. Was she able to get any clues about me? About why my own past seemed a mystery to me ever since my parents’ accident? That could explain some of the dreams, why I dreamed of car wrecks. But why was I in them instead? Why did I see myself doing crazy things I know couldn’t be true? With people I couldn’t possibly have known?  
  
Why couldn’t I tell any of this to Dr. Woo?  
  
“Have you had any triggers, something that may seem familiar even if you’re unable to place why?”  
  
“Sometimes, with Carlie, I feel like I shouldn’t be around her.” I finally confessed. “I love being around her, but I feel guilty.”  
  
“You think there may be a reason to that?”  
  
“I thought it could just be because of my own issues.”  
  
She chewed on her pen thoughtfully. I glanced around the familiar room. It was cozy in here with the needlework displayed proudly on the walls. It made me curious if she did any of it herself. I liked that sort of thing. I was raised in Kentucky; of course I was used to anything that reminded me of my old home back there. It wasn’t some tiny small town, it was one of the biggest cities, but part of growing up there was the southern charm that permeated everything.   
  
I blinked. I was raised in Kentucky. I hadn’t moved here from there though, I’d moved here from Atlanta, Georgia. The place where I _thought_ I had been born. I strained to remember more, I could hear Dr. Woo asking me something else but I tuned her out. Images, memories, I could feel them. But they were fuzzy, unclear, nothing I could focus in on. A stab of pain throbbed suddenly in my head and I winced as it almost brought tears to my eyes. Now my headache grew and I knew it wouldn’t be long before it became a migraine.   
  
All because I remembered where I was truly from.   
  
None of it made any sense.   
  
“Brendan?”  
  
 _Brian?_ There it was again, the voice from my dreams – melodic and beautiful. Now, it became the voice in my head.   
  
“Brendan?”  
  
 _Brian?_  
  
Confusion filled me. For a moment I couldn’t remember where I was. Why I was here. Questions floated through my mind but fled before I could grasp any of them. I felt my heart race, my breathing quicken. I glanced around, as if I knew someone should be there with me. Someone younger. Crazy thoughts, all of them. I saw myself elsewhere, in a home I didn’t recognize, laughing at someone beyond my vision. I was happier, happier than I had ever been recently. Part of me wanted to be that happy again sometime.   
  
I shook my head again quickly, reminded myself of what I was doing. Therapy. That was why I was here. I wanted to remember things. I wanted to know why I blocked out big pieces of my life after my parents’ death. Why panic attacks came randomly. Why I almost went into one just now at the mere recall of the place I’d grown up.   
  
_My name is Brendan Thompson. I’m thirty-eight years old. It’s about to become 2011. I’m here trying to get therapy so that I can live in peace. I’m still recovering from the fact my only family is dead. Everything is okay. I’m alright. I have to be._  
  
“Brendan?” She called frantically; I hadn’t noticed she was at my side now, her gaze filled with concern. “Are you alright?”  
  
“I’m sorry…I just, your needlework…”  
  
“Yes?” She smiled comfortingly, a welcoming smile that made me feel like I could tell her everything. Even though I knew I wouldn’t let myself.   
  
“It reminded me of home.”  
  
“Atlanta?”  
  
“No, that’s the thing. I thought I was born there, or assumed I was I guess. It came to me when I noticed it. I was born in Kentucky, I grew up there.”  
  
“Do you remember what city?”  
  
“When I tried to remember more…”  
  
She nodded, “Your body tried to shut down. I think what your mind is doing is giving you selective amnesia to protect you from something. I don’t know what just yet, but it would explain your panic attacks and why when you get closer to regaining some of it, your body fights back. It’s like it put a padlock on your memories because subconsciously, you feel it’s dangerous for you to know. Was this the first time you remembered something new?”  
  
I hesitated. Now would be the time to tell her about my dreams. Dreams that had to be memories mixed in with fantasy. I mean, what else could they be? I knew I should. I knew it would help. Dr. Woo could help me separate the truth from the fantasy. Yet, my mouth opened with a will of its own, and answered on my behalf.   
  
“Yeah, that was the first time.”  
  
I only wished I understood why I lied.


	10. Chapter Nine

** Chapter Nine **

  
  
I couldn’t believe what Kevin had found. It was the first sign since Brian’s disappearance that maybe, just maybe, something was off. The only thing was this – if something was off, I was still wrong in a way. Brian hadn’t been taken, something made him leave. I couldn’t put my finger on it; it was just instinct that told me that he didn’t knowingly ditch his son. This was Brian, come on now.   
  
Still, at that moment, when we found print outs about this random little island we’d never heard of, and an airline confirmation to New York. Who knew where he went after there. If he went there. Damn, what the hell was anyone supposed to think? The ticket wasn’t bought by him though; it was some name I didn’t recognize. Maybe a travel agent. I didn’t recognize it as any of his aliases either.   
  
Why the hell hadn’t the police uncovered any of this shit?!  
  
Because they didn’t investigate it too far. It wasn’t a kidnapping they thought, so they didn’t give any real effort to it. I knew it. That had to be it. But what do you do with that information? I wasn’t sure, and Kevin wasn’t either. It’s why we sat on this for two weeks. A lot of debating about telling AJ and Howie, but no action. We couldn’t tell his parents till we knew something for sure. We checked his card statements that came in the mail still. The best we found was right before he vanished; he’d taken out a whole lot of money. That explained the lack of a paper trail.   
  
I fed Dobby with all these thoughts following me through the apartment. I sighed as I watched my dog eat. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I had a lead, wasn’t that what I’d been wanting this whole time? Except I never knew what I would actually do once I found one. So I was here at a standstill, and Kevin feeling as clueless as I was. I found myself thinking about those Wikipedia printouts. Maybe Brian was taken there, or told to go there, or…   
  
Or maybe I was being crazy about all this.   
  
Maybe, but somehow, I felt like I knew better.   
  
“Nick?”  
  
I smiled as Lauren came up from behind and wrapped her arms around me. Instantly my body relaxed a little. I hadn’t even realized it had been tense. It was too similar to how I felt all the time these days. Her lips grazed my cheek softly and I could smell the sweet fruity scent of her hair. I was lucky to have her. I couldn’t imagine how Brian felt, when the accident first happened. I wasn’t even married to Lauren, but I couldn’t imagine being without her these days either. And then add in whatever happened to Brian afterwards, it wasn’t right.   
  
“Nick, did you hear me?” She asked as she pulled away from me, turning me towards her. Shit. Didn’t know I tuned her out.   
  
“Sorry, what is it?”  
  
“I said, you should have the guys over, tell them what you and Kevin found. Maybe then you can figure out what to do. Then maybe you won’t be thinking about it all the time.” She said as her eyes narrowed a bit. Oops. I have to give her credit though, she’s been nothing but supportive. AJ and Howie may have thought I was crazy, Kevin too till now, but Lauren always backed me up. I loved that about her, the way she dealt with the insanity that was my life. The way she believed in me when others didn’t.   
  
He may not have been taken but I was right in a way.   
  
Something was definitely rotten in the state of Backstreet.   
  
****  
  
“…So we think it had something to do with Brian’s disappearance.”  
  
AJ sat back on my couch, and you could tell he didn’t have a clue of what to say. Made me feel better about myself and how I didn’t know what to do yet. I mean I had _thoughts_ but if I acted on them, well, I’m pretty sure everyone who knew me would want to kill me. Howie, AJ, and Kevin had been here for most of the morning. It was only now that we finally filled them in. Avoidance for the win! Speaking of that, my beautiful girlfriend was out with Rochelle, couldn’t blame her. I think she knew like I did, that there was a damn good chance this wasn’t going to go anywhere, well, _good_.   
  
“You don’t think he just decided to leave and get away from all of us.”   
  
I rolled my eyes. “And ditch Baylee? That’s the reason I know something’s wrong. I don’t know what happened, or why, but I know he wouldn’t just abandon his son like that, not after he just lost his mom.”  
  
“What do you want us to say? I mean damn Nick, you find shit saying where Brian might be… what if he’s not? What if it’s random crap from before?”  
  
“And the plane ticket?”  
  
“You said it wasn’t bought by him…”  
  
“But it was in his name.”  
  
“And that goes back to Brian leaving on his own.”  
  
“And ditching his son?!”  
  
“That’s your only reason to thinking something happened? Look what Brian was dealing with; maybe he did it because he couldn’t handle it anymore.”  
  
“He would still tell Bay he was going away for awhile.”  
  
“I love him to death, but maybe he didn’t. You saw how he was after the accident, he was…”  
  
I threw my hands up in frustration and glanced at Kevin. “Screw it, I give up. You try.”  
  
“Look, have y’all thought about the fact that…” I tuned him out efficiently as I headed into my kitchen. A part of me knew none of them would follow right then. It came from so many years of growing up with these guys. They knew I wouldn’t do anything rash… _yet_. I just wished they understood.   
  
I picked up the papers we’d found back at Brian’s house. I hadn’t looked too closely at the Wikipedia print outs before, they didn’t seem that important to me honestly. It was Kevin who thought they might help. I guess they’d been in the same folder as the flight confirmation. My eyes narrowed as I started reading. Things about it were underlined. Like where it was, how you have to contact the government and get approval before trying to live there.   
  
_Maybe he was forced to go, taken, blackmailed or something._  
  
Just because there was never a sign or anything foul, didn’t mean there hadn’t been. It just meant it’d been cleaned up well right? I started thinking, what if I went there. Obviously the police gave up, thought I was crazy for believing what I did. A lot of people, including the damn media, thought that way. I knew I wasn’t crazy. Sometimes, a guy, all he has is his instincts. Mine was telling me Brian needed us. Someone just had to go find him. At that moment, I made my decision. A plan started formulating in my head in how to go about it. I had most of what I needed right there in my hands. What harm could it do? If I was wrong, well, I got to see some out of the way new place. But it didn’t matter because I knew I was right. I _had_ to be.   
  
They were going to kill me when they found out; at that point, I didn’t care.   
  
I headed to my room. Hopefully Kevin would take his time talking, and AJ and Howie would keep arguing. I wasn’t mad at them. Really, I wasn’t. I could even understand why they didn’t want to believe me. After talking to Kevin, I got it. It wasn’t easy believing that something had Brian. Or that something was wrong with him. Because really, he had had enough thrown at him recently. I reached in the closet and tossed a small suitcase on the bed. I became a pro at being able to do a lot with a little when it came to clothes.   
  
I’d be going a long way and I didn’t need to be dragging a lot of shit with me.   
  
Once I opened it up, I headed to the closet and started tossing random clothes in. I didn’t care what I took. Pants, shirts, that’s good enough right? My main goal was getting the hell out of here and trying to find my best friend. No one else was going to do it, so hell, I would. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts yet again, I didn’t hear knocking. I wish I had. Because when I finally heard Kevin clear his throat, looked up, and saw his gaze…  
  
He looked beyond pissed.   
  
Last time I saw him with that expression was when I “accidentally” dyed his hair green. (Yes, even the eyebrows). I smiled at him and help up a shirt. I thought if I waved it like a white flag he wouldn’t actually kill me. Or so I hoped. I could see the corners of his mouth twitching and I knew I’d be off the hook. As long as you can get Kevin to laugh, you ended up not dying, it was a life lesson I learned back when I was thirteen. I sat on the bed beside the pile of clothes sitting on my suitcase, and he sat on the other side of it.   
  
“You’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”  
  
“Depends…on what you think I’m doing.”  
  
“You’re not about to leave to track down Brian are you?”  
  
I sighed and tossed the white shirt in my hands down in defeat. “What if I am?”  
  
“It’s a bad idea, you don’t know what happened, or even if he’s down there?”  
  
I met his gaze head on. “If something bad is going on, I’ll get help. If he’s not there, I’ll come back. We need to know. You know that. I know that. I can’t stay here. You can’t just abandon Mason out of nowhere. Lauren will understand.”  
  
“I still don’t think…”  
  
“I’ll be alright. Maybe you can convince AJ and Howie I’m not crazy.”  
  
“They don’t think you’re crazy.”  
  
I just stared at him.   
  
“At least, not for that reason. They just find it hard to believe, part of me does too. And you, even if you refuse to admit it. Something’s weird, but you know as well as I do he wasn’t kidnapped now.”  
  
I stood again, starting to actually fold clothes into the small bag. “I’m still going.”  
  
Kevin rose as well, putting his arm around me. I couldn’t help but smile. The man had been doing that for years. Sometimes I think he forgot that he wasn’t actually my father. Even if over the years he always protected me like I was this hybrid combination of brother and son. I’ll never admit it, but I always loved that. I think he knew anyway.   
  
“This idea is crazy.”  
  
“You mean like me.”  
  
“No, crazier than you, that’s what scares me.”  
  
“Gee, thanks.”  
  
“Call me when you get there, keep me updated.”  
  
“Of course.”  
  
“Promise you’ll be careful.”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“ _Nick_ , I mean it.”  
  
“I know Kev, I know.” And I meant it; I would do everything I could to keep my promise. As long as it meant rescuing Brian as well. Because I had already decided at that point that I was going to do whatever it took. But, ya know, Kevin didn’t need to know that last part. He was better off not knowing.   
  
Really.


	11. Chapter Ten

** Chapter Ten **

  
  
_I was on stage, singing into a microphone.  
  
There were thousands of fans in a stadium, screaming my name. Instead of being scared of this, I felt the rush, the thrill that came with performing. The idea of this was second nature to me, even if I knew that it shouldn’t be. I could see into the crowd, the woman who haunted my dreams so many times before. She was watching me proudly, a young boy beside her. My heart swelled when I saw him looking at me admirably. My son.   
  
I always wanted children, someone to settle down with.   
  
The little boy looked so much like me. It was as if I was staring into a mirror of myself at that age. The only difference was the hair, his curly hair that was a little long, actually. I glanced over at the other three singing with me. This time it was three I noticed, rather than four in my other dreams. They were the same men though, if only a little older.   
  
I felt so happy, I felt as if I was home.   
  
I walked off the stage, into the crowd. Security guards came with me.   
  
And then suddenly, I was alone. It was raining. Lightening streaked the sky as thunder roared angrily around me. I knew this scene. I’d seen it in my dreams before. I could taste the blood as it ran along my face. I was in the middle of the highway staring at the woman on the ground. I ran towards her, frantic. The front of her shirt was covered with blood. Her golden blonde hair was now a dark red around her skull. I knelt to the ground, lifted her up and held her close against me. I shot a side glance to the wrecked Jeep. I saw myself inside and unconscious.   
  
“My” condition didn’t matter much to me. Only the woman I held in my arms.   
  
“Brian…” I heard. It didn’t come from the body I held. The one I had was lifeless. I knew it.   
  
Tears streamed down my face and mixed in with the rain. This wasn’t true. None of it. She couldn’t be dead. I wouldn’t let her be. None of this happened. It was all fake. I knew I was dreaming, I had to be. I couldn’t bear the pain otherwise. The agony that swelled up inside my heart and was all consuming. Soon it would have my soul.   
  
“You are dreaming.”  
  
I stared up at the source of the voice. It was the same woman I held in my arms only…different. She was surrounded by this serene glow. She had none of the wounds the dead woman in my embrace had. She was well, and she was beautiful. I smiled sadly up at her.  
  
“Leighanne…”  
  
“Finally, you know my name again.” Her hand stroked my cheek.   
  
“I don’t understand.”  
  
She looked at with me with more love than I’d ever known. “I know, but you will. You’re starting to. Brian, just because you’re dreaming…doesn’t mean none of it is true…” She started walking away then, fading back into the stormy night.   
  
“Wait!”  
  
“I can’t stay.”  
  
“Don’t go!” _  
  
“Don’t go!” I screamed again.   
  
I sat straight up in my bed, sweating like a pig in heat. My heart was beating like crazy. I tried to recall clearly the dream I’d just had. I couldn’t believe how much it shook me to the core right then. Yet, I couldn’t remember much, just a name. I didn’t know what it meant. I only knew the feelings that soared through me at the thought. A mix of love, devotion, pain, and confusion.   
  
_Leighanne._  
  
Climbing out of bed, I made my way towards the shower. Right then, I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. Seemed like I deserved a day, a break from everything that wanted to haunt me. I had a simple day ahead. No work and no therapy sessions. I was going to spend the day with Carlie walking along the coast and maybe a picnic. Nothing more. We were always at the beach it seemed, but it was one of my favorite things to do here. Sometimes simplicity was bliss. If nothing else, this place was the best example of that.   
  
Too bad I wasn’t going to get that today.   
  
Somehow, I knew it.   
  
*****  
  
“You seem distracted today.” Carlie said as her hand reached for mine, a gentle breeze tousled her dark curls about her face. It made her even more attractive to me. I always found myself so hesitant around her. Why?  
  
“I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”  
  
“How’s therapy been? No…”  
  
I shook my head. “No panic attacks since the last one. I just have a lot of questions but no answers.”  
  
“I’m here for you, you know…” She smiled up at me. Suddenly the image of that woman Leighanne from my dream flashed across my mind, and she was looking so sad. “In case you want to talk to someone else about it.”  
  
“Thanks. I think I just need a break from thinking about it though.”  
  
“I understand that.”  
  
“Besides.” I grinned wickedly at her, watched the flush as it rose into her cheeks as she took in my gaze. “I want to focus on you!” I scooped her up into my arms ignoring her shrieks as I raced towards the ocean.   
  
“Bren!”  
  
“Milady, it’s time you and I took a dip!”  
  
I dropped her in the water in front of me as her squeals grew louder. She stood indignantly, stared me down as I tried my best to look at her innocently. Carlie watched me carefully and I fought my smile as I saw the corners of a mouth twitch. Then, she dove at me, tackling me into the shallow water as the waves crashed up against the shore. I laughed, wrapping her in my arms as she giggled. I leaned forward, enjoying the taste of her kiss as her lips met mine.   
  
Yet, again, there was a sadness in me I couldn’t explain to anyone if I tried.   
  
“You’re such a brat.”  
  
“But you like that about me?” I asked cheekily.   
  
She kissed the tip of my nose as I picked her up, walking back down along the sand. It wasn’t too far where I set up our little area. Several blankets lay upon the soft sandy ground, an umbrella was propped up with our picnic basket set beneath it. I smiled down at Carlie in my arms, having the strongest feeling of déjà-vu, as if I’d done this before.   
  
_“I’ve gotta carry you across the threshold Leighanne, its tradition! Even if we’re the same size, I’ll stumble in if I have to hehe.”_  
  
I blinked and regained my bearings as I laid her down along the blanket and sat down next to her. I ran my hands through her wet hair, the curls even more frantic wet than they had been dry. I tucked it behind her ear and just enjoyed the serenity. I leaned in close again, and just before our kisses began again, a loud voice caused me to freeze.   
  
“Brian?!”  
  
I turned immediately and rose. No. That wasn’t in my head this time. Carlie stood too. The confused look in her face confirmed that this time I wasn’t just seeing this. A tall man with spiked up blonde hair was running across the beach. The expression on his face was one mixed of shock, anger and pure happiness in an odd blend. His speed quickened as he rushed towards me. He grabbed me in his arms and hugged me as if he knew me. I shoved him away, totally confused. This man, he was _identical_ to one of the four men I dreamed of singing with so many times before. He was in the one I’d had last night, one of the three. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t explain the fear I felt at the very first sight of him.   
  
It was as if he walked out of my dreams.   
  
“Do I know you?” I finally asked, unable to hide just how frightened I was. Why did he scare me so much?   
  
“Brian…it’s me…” _Nick_. I finished in my mind.   
  
I shook my head. No. This wasn’t happening. This man didn’t know me. He had to be mistaking me for someone else! I wasn’t this _Brian_. That wasn’t who I was. That wasn’t true. They were just crazy dreams. No. No. No. I could feel my breathing quickening and forced myself to slow it down. This was the worst possible time for a panic attack. I knew I just had to remember what Dr. Woo said and prevent it from happening.   
  
My mind continued to race. Nothing was making sense. These were just crazy dreams weren’t they? Dreams to cope with the fact most of my life was a blur. Dreams of things I used to wish happened to me but never did. That’s all they were. None of this was real. It had to be coincidence or something.   
  
Yet, I couldn’t explain it. And I wanted to, desperately.   
  
“I don’t know you.”  
  
He stared at me; I could see the pain in his eyes as I stared up at me. This Nick, he was at a complete loss for words. I caught Carlie out of the corner of my eyes, looking clueless as to what she should do. She wasn’t alone there. Nick grabbed me by the shoulders.   
  
“Of course you know me! Nick, the Frack to your Frick! Remember? You’ve known me since I was thirteen. Brian, you’re acting crazy…what are you doing here? You need to come back home. Everyone’s been crazy with worry since you left man…”  
  
I shook my head again. “No, you have me confused with someone else.”   
  
I ignored the fact that I did get his name right. It couldn’t be real.   
  
“I don’t get it Brian…”  
  
“I’m NOT Brian!” I found myself screaming at him angrily. I wasn’t! I couldn’t be! I took Carlie’s hand and started walking away.   
  
“Bren…” She started, looking sadly back at him.   
  
“Let’s just go.”  
  
He stared after us as we hurried off. I didn’t look back.   
  
*****  
  
I found myself walking around that night alone. I didn’t talk to Carlie the rest of the walk back to her home. She didn’t ask anything either. I think she knew better. I figured she knew I had no answers as well. My mind was still whirling with what happened earlier. Who was this Nick? Why did he think I was this _Brian_? This Brian could be a cousin of mine. That was it! It would explain everything if it was just a family member’s life I was mixing up as my own. I smiled as I enjoyed the stars above, satisfied with my own explanation.   
  
“How long has he been living here?”  
  
I stopped at the familiar voice and stayed behind the tree I was about to pass. I stared at the source of the sound. I hadn’t realized I was so close to Carlie’s house. I’d been that lost in thought at the time. I waited, too curious for my own good about her response.   
  
“Almost five months now.”  
  
“That fits. I think he’s my best friend. I just…”  
  
“Are you sure? He didn’t seem to know you. I want to help you but I care about Brendan more.”  
  
“Brendan?” he sounded so confused.   
  
“That’s his name.”  
  
“No, it’s Brian.” I could see him hold out something to her so she could see, but it was too dark for me to tell what it was, even in the moonlight. “We’ve been hoping and praying he’d come back and now that I’ve found him…”  
  
“Mr. Carter, the resemblance is uncanny. But, I still think you might be mistaken. Bren always talks of how he’s been single his entire life, that he moved here after his parents died. None of that matches the one you’ve told me about.”  
  
I walked away then, feeling the sudden need to go back to my house before my spying was discovered. Once again, I refused to let myself look back. I couldn’t. I had no need to! Even though inexplicably, all I wanted to do was tell him I was sorry.   
  
_Forgive me Nick._  
  
Maybe one day he’d find the guy he was really looking for. 


	12. Chapter Eleven

** Chapter Eleven **

  
  
I didn’t sleep at all the night before.   
  
How could I? I wanted to call Kevin, needed to call him really. I’d thought of every possibility when it came to why Brian had vanished. Or so I thought. I never thought Brian would be here with no idea who he was. What the hell? That shit was supposed to only happen in movies. For a moment… I almost thought he knew me. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him. There he was, having fun, on a _date_ when everyone who cared about him was worried sick. It hadn’t even been that long since his wife had died! On a date when he had a son waiting for him, confused about why his father left.  
  
It was Brian; I had no damn question about that. Too bad that can’t be said for him.   
  
Part of me was furious and part of me was just incredibly confused.   
  
None of it made sense!  
  
I sighed as I paced around my hotel room. I couldn’t even get a cell signal here. Maybe that was why we only got a voicemail anytime we tried to call Brian. I wondered if there was even on a cell tower on this godforsaken island. This place was pretty sure, but it also took my best friend. I was ready to leave and bring him with me. I picked up the phone by my bed. The charges were bound to be insane, calling the states, but what else could I do?  
  
Kevin was going to kill me for reversing the charges.   
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Nick?”  
  
“Who is it?” I could hear Kristen ask in the background. Kevin’s always had an incredibly hot wife. She was always my fave out of any of the women the fellas dated. And not just because I always wanted to…  
  
“It’s Nick. Nick do you know what time it is?”  
  
No, but I knew I was about to find out.   
  
“No?”  
  
“It’s two…” I could hear the springs in his bed creak, guess he was getting out of bed so Kristen could keep sleeping. “…in the morning Nick. This better be good little man.”  
  
I always wondered if there would ever be a point where I would stop being “Little man” to him. Don’t ever tell him, but I hope not. But if I ever admit that, he’d never let me hear the end of it. I loved having Kevin in times like this. He was the first person I looked to when I didn’t know the answer. What was I supposed to do now? He was the father my own never could be. And despite the hell I was gonna get for waking him up, I knew he was glad to hear from me. He hated that I was running off to find Brian, but someone had to and he knew it. Now that it was confirmed I’m safe, he was free to lecture.   
  
“Are you even listening to me?”  
  
“No.”  
  
He practically growled into the phone. I could virtually see the dirty brow in my head. He had to have it right now. He always did when I ignored him or tuned him out like that. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought. I really missed being in the group. Everything had fallen apart when the accident happened. I thought we could help Brian put the pieces back into some sort of order, and then he’d vanished. Now I was still struggling to get the pieces back in one place.   
  
“I found him.”  
  
“You what?”  
  
“I found Brian.”  
  
I could literally hear something crash in the background as Kevin rushed up. Now I knew he was wide awake and I had his attention. “Is he alright? Wait are you alright? What happened? Is-“  
  
“Calm down. Yes, I’m fine.” I found myself pulling out the old photo I’d shown that girl Carlie earlier. I forgot who’d taken it. We were in New York playing basketball. It was around the time _Millennium_ came out. Brian was hanging from the hoop and I was staring up at him laughing my ass off. It was a goofy photo, my hair up in these crazy braids.   
  
It was us being us – Frick and Frack.   
  
“Then-“  
  
“It’s Brian. Kev, he…he had no idea who I was.”  
  
“What do you mean he had no idea who you were?”  
  
“I mean he stared at me like I was psycho when I ran to him. He’s living here like nothing happened. He thinks he’s someone else. I don’t know what to do. I tried to tell him and he got upset and-“  
  
“Okay, okay.” I could hear the typical deep sigh on his end of the line. “You’re sure it was him.”  
  
“Unless it happened to be his secret long-lost twin who lives on the same god-fucking-forsaken island he had info about at his house, yes I’m sure.”  
  
“Then, don’t push. Try to talk to him. Maybe…apologize about what happened when you first found him.”  
  
“But-“  
  
“There’s a reason why he doesn’t know. I don’t know why. I’m going to see if I can’t find out. Looking through the box we took, that sort of thing. But the best you can do is talk to him. Maybe that will help jog his memory. Act normal. Describe Brian to himself as if he’s another person. See about who he thinks he is…”  
  
“I talked to this…I think it’s his girlfriend…”  
  
 _“Girlfriend?!”_  
  
“She said he’s been living here for five months, since his _parents_ died only two months before he moved here.”  
  
“When…”  
  
“Right.” I ran my hand through my hair as my stomach rumbled aggressively. I needed food.   
  
“For right now, do what I suggested. Maybe it’ll help you figure something out.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“I’m going to call Howie and AJ. Keep me updated.”  
  
“Yes dad.” I would’ve saluted if I knew he could see me.  
  
“I mean it Nick.”  
  
“I know you do. I’m alright, really.”  
  
“Just…be safe okay? We don’t know why Brian’s like this. Something may have made him. I don’t want to…”  
  
I smiled to myself. “Nothing will happen. I swear. My goal in life is to drive you insane till Mason gets to put you into one of those old man homes.”  
  
Kevin laughed. “Bye little man.”  
  
“Bye Kevvy!”   
  
I hung up before he could get on me about calling him that. I’ve grown a lot since he left the group but c’mon, I was made to bug the guy. The smile stayed on my face even as I started pacing around my hotel room again. I didn’t know how I was going to approach Brian. I knew how much I upset him yesterday. How would I be able to get him to chat with me like nothing happened? I sighed.  
  
Kevin had faith in me.   
  
Somehow, that had to be enough.   
  
*****  
  
I had to give it to this little island of hell. It was pretty here. I could even see why Brian would like it, after awhile anyway. I mean it was like I was thrown back in time. Everyone seemed to be living pretty well for this small little fishing island totally cut off from everything I needed to survive in the real world. But, it was nice to look at. Brian had always been simple, so this would fit him. I just wish he could come home. Baylee needed his dad more than ever. We needed our brother. Blood in my eyes never made family. Bonds made family. I only have one brother, but in a lot of ways, Brian was more my brother than Aaron ever was. That’s why I was so desperate to find him again. I knew he needed me and I wasn’t about to give up.   
  
As I walked along and watched the simple towns people go about around me as I moseyed (I love that word) around, I started doing some thinking. I had no idea where Brian or Brendan was living. I was just hoping to spot the man. I finally understood why Howie and AJ hadn’t believed something happened to Brian. He wasn’t taken. I knew that now. I was the one seeing shit that wasn’t actually there. While something was wrong, it wasn’t how I thought. He did leave. I don’t know why. Something was off, but in a way, they had been right. In another way, so was I.   
  
I was going to have to apologize to them at some point. Damn it.   
  
It wasn’t that they hadn’t cared. It was that they did. Not just about Brian but about me too. They were afraid I’d end up obsessing on something that wasn’t there. They didn’t know why Brian had gone; only that he had. I refused to let go. They forced themselves too. Both end up killing you. See, when I got thoughtful like this, a lot of things started making sense.   
  
Now if only Brian could I’d be set.   
  
“Nick…” I blinked and turned at the incredibly familiar voice. “…Right?”  
  
It hurt to hear him asking like he didn’t know. That’s what killed me.   
  
Right then, he really didn’t know.   
  
I smiled, like it was nothing. “Right. What was your name again…”  
  
“Brendan.” He replied, swallowing hard. Like it was hard for him to say that. None of this made any sense.   
  
“Thanks. I’m sorry about yesterday. You just…looked incredibly familiar to my lost friend.”  
  
Brian nodded as he walked with me. We started heading over towards the direction of the beach I’d found them on yesterday. It was a bit of a walk from Edinburgh, I learned that yesterday. But hell, I knew it would give us a chance to try and talk. I felt like I was getting to know him for the first time. I guess in a sense, I was. This new Brian, or Brendan. I felt so confused and kept my gaze up towards the sky. I didn’t want to be reminded that this was Bri; I wanted it to be someone else. I wanted to pretend. I thought maybe it would make everything easier.   
  
“You sound like you care about him a lot.”  
  
I nodded. “He’s like a brother to me. So I decided I had to find him. And when I saw you…”  
  
“You imposed your dreams on to reality.”  
  
I stared at him. Those words never would have come out of the mouth of the man I knew. It was like there were two different people in there. The person possessing his body, and the Brian I knew buried deep within. I knew I caught a glimpse of him yesterday with Carlie. He was acting like Brian as I remembered him when we were younger.   
  
“Sorry. I’ve been seeing a therapist. I think she’s rubbed off on me.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah, there’s a lot I can’t remember. So she’s been helping me figure out why.” Brian smiled. “I don’t know why it’s so easy to talk to you, but I feel like I should. Does that make sense? Maybe I’m related to your friend and that’s why I look like him or something. Maybe we did know each other, if only distantly and that’s why I want to help you.”  
  
It was so crazy. Even now, with all those justifications Brian was pulling to hide from the truth, he was doing the one thing he’d been doing for me for about eighteen years now. He was trying to take care of me. I didn’t know why he was acting this way. I had no damn clue why he was so determined to convince himself he was someone else. But he was still Brian. I was wrong again; he wasn’t two people in there. All of this was the same guy I’d known for over half my life.   
  
I just had to help him remember.   
  
“I’m glad you do. I don’t know anyone here. I could use a friend.”  
  
“Well now you have one.”  
  
If only I knew how.   
  
“Do you mind me telling you about him? I think it might help.”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“Well, when I first met him, he looked like he came straight off the farm…”  
  
 _Somehow_ , I thought to myself, _I’m going to find a way to bring you back._


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Chapter Twelve**

  
  
_I saw myself sitting at a stool on stage, a guitar in my arms. There was a crowd before me again. I looked around for my band mates, who I expected to be on stage with me. They almost always were. This time however, I was alone. Still, singing came naturally to me. It always has. I grinned at the crowd as I began to play.  
  
“When I left home, to be who I am…some people said…no way…”  
  
I started searching the crowd with my eyes. There were two people I knew had to be there. Two people who I knew would support me no matter what. Yet, for the first time in my life, they weren’t there when I expected them to be. Suddenly, I found myself unable to play anymore. I set the guitar down. I stood up and ripped the headset away from me. It wasn’t worth it without them. Music became nothing.   
  
I ran out of the arena. I ran outside, and into the rain.   
  
Suddenly, I stopped.   
  
I didn’t want to see what was waiting for me.   
  
“You can’t avoid it man.”  
  
Standing out in the rain was Nick. He was drenched and looked upset. He came up and wrapped his arm around me, guided me outside. I looked up at him as lightening lit up the night around us.   
  
“Why weren’t you inside singing with me? Where are the others?”  
  
“Because you went solo for a little while, remember?”  
  
“But then…”  
  
“You already know the answers Frack, so why are you asking?”  
  
I frowned. “Where’s Leigh and Bay?”  
  
“I can’t tell you.”  
  
I stopped walking and grabbed him by the shoulders, shook him as he stood there stoically. All I wanted was answers about my family. Nothing else mattered. Why couldn’t my best friend give them to me? He of all people should have known how badly I wanted them. I was performing; they were supposed to be there. I knew it. They weren’t home. They were meant to be here with me.   
  
“Where are they?!” _  
  
  
I shot up out of bed and glanced around.   
  
I was soaked with sweat thanks to that nightmare. It had to be intense, but when I tried to think about it, I couldn’t remember it. Sighing, I wiped my eyes in an attempt to wake up. Then, I took in my surroundings. That was when I woke up completely. It was weird, because I had no idea where I was. This wasn’t home. This wasn’t the little condo I had in LA for when we start recording. I knew I wasn’t on vacation because I couldn’t see Leighanne’s things anywhere once I climbed out of bed. It was a nice bedroom, sure. But, where was I? What was going on?  
  
I heard a knocking at the door and I went to answer. Thankfully this was a small house. So it wasn’t too hard to find the front door. Maybe whoever was knocking could tell me what was going on. I’d never been so confused in my life. I figured I’d see if I couldn’t call Leighanne’s cell phone. Or maybe Nick. Maybe we were on tour. The last thing I remembered was…  
  
 _It was raining._  
  
Well, I wasn’t sure what I remembered.   
  
No, we weren’t touring we were talking about something with another boyband. NKOTB. I wasn’t sure I was completely for the idea. But as a test we were going to perform at the American Music Awards in November. And we were going to start making plans for another album. We were in LA. Wait, so why wasn’t I in LA now? A glance out the window told me that wasn’t where I was. Part of me was panicking and another was telling me there had to be a reason for all of this. There just had to be.   
  
The knocking came again, breaking me free from my thoughts. I opened the door.   
  
There stood a young woman, smiling at me. She was only about five feet tall; her soft green eyes looked at me questioningly when I didn’t say anything to greet her. She had a sweet face with freckles along her face. I smiled at her. Maybe she was a fan?  
  
“Can I help you?”  
  
Her brows furrowed and her nose scrunched up. “Brendan, I came to check in on you after yesterday…”  
  
“Brendan?” _What?_ “I’m sorry; you must have me confused with someone else.”  
  
“What are you talking about?”  
  
I sighed, finding myself getting more agitated than I normally would. It was bad enough I was in a place and didn’t know how I got here. Normally I’m a pretty laid back guy. I just didn’t have the patience for this right now. I wanted to help her, but how could I?  
  
“I’m sorry miss.”  
  
“Wait-“  
  
I shut the door and turned around to find a phone. I needed to call Nick. Maybe he knew what was going on. I sat on the bed and dialed from the phone. I blinked at how much this was going to charge me. Just _where_ was I? Of course it went directly to his voice mail. Just where was my cell phone anyway? I looked through everything in the bedroom. I found everything I normally took when I traveled, and some things I figured I bought. No cell. I hung up and dialed another number.   
  
It was time to call my wife.   
  
I frowned when I heard the number wasn’t in service. How could Leighanne’s phone not be in service? It had to be! An image flashed before my eyes. Me, driving in the rain. Leighanne sitting in the passenger seat beside me. I shook my head. Suddenly it felt like I couldn’t breathe. No matter what I did, I wasn’t getting enough air. The room began to spin as the phone fell from my hands. The ground reached up to greet me with ease.   
  
Everything around me went black.   
  
*****  
  
It was a relief to see Nick’s face hovering above me when my eyes opened. At least I wasn’t alone. The woman who was at my door earlier was in the kitchen, preparing something. I tried to get up and the room began to spin again. I stopped and stared at Nick. It was like he aged before my eyes. Yet, there was so much relief there. Like he’d discovered something he thought he lost. I smiled weakly.   
  
“Oh Nick…you’re my hero!” I swooned in a high pitched voice.   
  
“How you feeling?”  
  
“Confused.”  
  
“Carlie told me you didn’t recognize her earlier.”  
  
“Carlie?” He motioned towards the young woman in the kitchen. I could see her cheeks redden at the mention as she set a cup of tea on the coffee table beside me. I tried again to sit up on the couch.   
  
“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say.   
  
“Where am I?”  
  
“This little tiny ass island called Tristan Da Cunha.”  
  
“How did I get here?”  
  
“You don’t know?”  
  
I shook my head.  
  
“What do you remember?”  
  
“We had a meeting with _New Kids on the Block_ the other day…which, by the way, I don’t think is the best idea. I think it’s time to tell Howie this whole joint thing is nuts.”  
  
He stared at me incredulously. His blue eyes were round as saucers. For a moment I was reminded of the scrawny little thirteen year old he used to be. Crazy right? I almost wanted to laugh despite the situation. In fact swallowing it back down wasn’t easy. But I knew he’d think I’d gone nuts if I let it out. What I couldn’t get is why he looked so shocked by my answer. It couldn’t have been that long.  
  
Could it?  
  
“What?”  
  
Nick sat next to me now that I was sitting up enough to give him room. I could tell he needed to say something but didn’t have a damn clue as to how to say it. It’d been years since I’d seen that expression on him. In fact I think the last time was when he decided to break it to us that he wanted to do a solo album back in 2002. Not one of the fonder memories of our friendship. It wasn’t good news then and I suspected it wasn’t about to be good news now.   
  
“It’s…”   
  
“What?”  
  
He scratched the back of his neck and focused his gaze anywhere but on me. I could feel myself getting scared. Nick wasn’t this bad at avoiding anything. I could feel myself start losing air, the same feeling I’d had earlier that day. I forced myself to ask again.  
  
“Nick…what’s going on?”  
  
“It’s just, that was like eight months ago.”  
  
I sat there staring at him. I didn’t know what to say. Yet, part of me knew it had to be true. I wanted to do something. Deny it, yell, and call him a liar. I only sat there. No words came. It was like the moment they hit my lips they froze and shattered into nothing but forgotten thoughts. Nick wasn’t lying to me. I knew what lying Nick looked like, and this wasn’t it. Now I felt even more clueless.   
  
“Brian?”  
  
“What…how…?”  
  
He swallowed hard as Carlie sat on the other side of me. She reached for my hand and I pulled away. I needed Leighanne. There was the question I wanted to, no _needed_ to ask. But the fear that grew was almost overpowering. I opened my mouth before closing it again. But I couldn’t just not ask. I took a deep breath and meet the eyes of my best friend. I could tell by his expression that he knew just exactly what I was about to ask. It was also clear he was praying I wouldn’t.   
  
“Nick.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Where’s…”  
  
“Baylee’s fine, he’s with your parents.” He interrupted before I could even finish. I steadied myself again. The fact my son was safe and sound was a blessing. I gave a silent thank you to the Lord before starting again.   
  
“Where’s my wife?”  
  
When he answered me, it felt like my heart had stopped. Time froze.  
  
Thankfully blissful darkness came to greet me for a second time.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Chapter Thirteen**

  
  
There was no easy answer to this.   
  
All I could do was be there for him.   
  
I know it’s hard to believe, but he really did wake up realizing he was Brian. He still to this day can’t remember ever being “Brendan”. It’s crazy, but that whole time period was a blank. Brian wouldn’t talk about it much. He refused to as soon as we packed up some things and left the place that had been his home for the past five or six months. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I kind of felt bad for Carlie. She’d been dating the man he’d been there and suddenly, that man didn’t exist anymore.   
  
_“I know you’re not the person I knew Brian. But I wanted to say before you go…that I love you. I won’t forget you.”_  
  
He hadn’t been able to say anything to her. Not even a goodbye.   
  
I was the one who got her number for him; maybe someday he’d heal enough to forgive her for loving the man he was there. It wasn’t her fault. She was a victim just like everyone else. I think I got why Brian wanted to shove her out of his life though. Giving her a chance meant recognizing what he did. See, all those therapy sessions I did after filming _House of Carters_ stuck with me. I hope Carlie was able to forgive him. It wasn’t his fault either.   
  
We’d been back in the states a month before he finally decided it was time to go back home. Kevin arranged for a therapist to see him once we reach Georgia. Brian’s been staying with me in Nashville, avoiding going home. I knew that was killing him every time he’d been talking to Baylee on the phone. But avoiding home, meant avoiding the fact Leighanne was gone. I couldn’t blame him. But he needed his son, and his son needed him. I promised him I’d go back with him. Even go to his first session for support.   
  
He wasn’t fixed. Not even close.   
  
“You ready?” I asked as our plane started landing in Atlanta. I could see him starting to breathe rapidly. I looked a few things up and learned it’s a sign of a possible panic attack. I grabbed one of those air sick bags and handed it to him. “Easy. Remember, Bay’s going to be waiting at home for you, remember?”  
  
Brian nodded.   
  
When I told Kevin what had happened, I guess he decided to become a new amateur psychologist. I don’t know what he found; he said he’d tell me when he met us in Atlanta. He’d been there for a week already, helping Brian’s parents make sure the place is livable. AJ and Howie were supposed to come up in two weeks. They wanted to come sooner, but it might be a bit much. Like I said, Brian wasn’t close to being fixed. I felt like too much could break him into pieces.   
  
That next time, we may not be lucky enough to find him again.   
  
I grabbed our carry-ons and led him off the plane. Most of the stuff I had shipped ahead so we wouldn’t have to deal with it. I glanced back at Brian and wrapped my arm around him as we walked into the terminal. I could see Kevin waving at us, trying to get our attention. We headed his way. It was then I could hear a few screams.   
  
_Shit._  
  
“Oh my god, you’re Brian!” We’d kept Brian pretty hidden from the spotlight. It was going to happen sooner or later, people discovering that he was alive and no longer missing. But I knew we didn’t need this now. There was also that look in her eyes, that one where if we tried to run, she’d be crazy enough to chase us.   
  
“That’s what everyone tells me.” Brian joked. It didn’t feel as funny as it used to.   
  
“Where have you been?”  
  
“It’s a long story.” I said, jumping in. I stared at the girl, who was wearing a freaking press badge to boot to some random Georgia newspaper. She was staring at me like I was a piece of meat.   
  
“I’m patient enough to hear it.”  
  
“But we have a lot to do today.” The deeper voice belonging to Kevin, our current savior replied as he cut between us and the fan. “But Brian’s doing alright, right cuz?”  
  
Brian grinned and for a moment, I almost believed it. _Almost._  
  
Then I remembered performing was what we did for a living.  
  
Kevin started leading us away from her. I could hear her yelling in the background as she tried to navigate the crowd. Thank all that is holy and Howie that another plane had landed and a new load of people were coming inside. That mob was just what we needed to get some distance away from her. Now I always love our fans, but really, it’s bad enough people would now know Brian was back. I don’t need some reporter fan blasting our story all over the press. That was going to happen soon enough anyway.   
  
“But wait! Brian! I have so many questions! I don’t live that far from you either!” A glance back showed her shoving like crazy to get past people.   
  
“Maybe we should stop.”   
  
I gave Brian a look.   
  
“Or not.”  
  
“It’s not a good time, besides, he’s waiting for you.”  
  
A small smile appeared, this time it was a real one. “Right.”  
  
We hurried out of there like bats out of hell. Kevin went ahead to grab us a cab while I glanced back to make sure that crazy fan wasn’t still following us. Luckily she wasn’t. She’d looked familiar so I knew it was one of the ones we met repeatedly. Most of our fans are great, others just don’t know when to push and when not to. It comes with the business. Right then, it was frustrating after all our efforts to keep this quiet. Now, this was going to be all over the internet by nightfall and we knew it. Brian watched me, my expression. He was looking to see if I thought it was going to be okay. So I smiled. We’d deal with the media later. He was looking kind of pale, and it confirmed my earlier suspicions that the way he was being before was just an act.   
  
“It’s weird…I forget that to them, it wasn’t just yesterday that, it happened.”  
  
I nodded; amazed he would even reference it. “We’re going to have to do an interview with someone, get it out there so we don’t get mobbed. That girl is going to tell the world she saw you.”  
  
“I know. I just…I want to go home.”  
  
I saw Kevin standing beside a cab as we stepped outside. I pat Brian on the back as I shared a look with his cousin. It was weird, taking care of Brian this time. All my life practically, it was the opposite. Now I had to be the one doing the protecting. And I would do it. My old mission was to find him. My new mission was to keep him safe till he didn’t need me guarding him anymore. Until the day a semblance of the friend I’d once known came back full force. He’d never be back completely, part of it died with Leighanne. But I saw pieces of him still alive. I just was waiting for it all to come back together. So I made myself look happy and confident that everything would be alright.   
  
“Yeah, let’s get you home.”  
  
*****  
  
When we arrived at his house, I couldn’t help but feel weird. The last time I’d been here was to try and find answers. And I’ll be honest, as much as I wanted them, a part of me didn’t expect to find any. I climbed out of the cab after paying the man. Kevin’s done enough and Brian was already out of the car. Up by the door, there stood Baylee with his grandparents.   
  
“Daddy!”  
  
It was something out of a movie. I almost expected it to go into slow motion as Brian and Baylee rushed towards each other. I swallowed hard; someone had to keep his composure. I’m not one to tear up, but after everything, it was so good seeing them together again. Brian was swinging his son around in his arms. I could hear them both crying. Never had Baylee looked more like a clone of his father. Though I knew, from now on, all Brian would ever see in him was Leighanne. He needed to. They both did.   
  
Kevin tapped my shoulder and the two of us walked towards the backyard. They needed their reunion right then. It really was beautiful here. The home wasn’t small by any means but you really couldn’t tell it was the home of a celebrity if you didn’t know better. Bri’s always been like that. And the backyard always felt more like a piece of wilderness. Maybe that’s why he enjoys living in the south as much as he does.   
  
“You said you found something.” I finally said, I knew that’s another reason why he led me away.  
  
“I did some looking online, called a few therapists.”  
  
“Anything to explain this? I mean…Brian doesn’t remember anything.”  
  
“I’m told that’s normal.”  
  
My gaze focused on a robin flittering around from tree to tree. “You’re shitting me.”  
  
“No, they call it…” He pulled something from his pocket and opened it up to read it. “Dissociative Fugue.”  
  
“Dissocia-what?”  
  
“Dissociative Fugue. It’s where you basically up and leave, taking on a new identity when something tragic happens in your life. That’s what Brian did. He couldn’t grieve so his mind had him leave and take on that new life as Brendan.”  
  
I whistled low, running a hand through my hair because I couldn’t think of what else to do. I really needed to cut it. “But, he just woke up one day and-”  
  
“That happens too. Sometimes there’s a trigger, sometimes there’s not.” He looked at his notes again. “They said they can’t diagnose it without talking to Brian, but that I described it perfectly. And that it was probably the sight of you that helped him recover his old identity.”  
  
“Will he…do it again?” I hated myself for asking.  
  
“Supposedly it’s doubtful, but there’s no guarantee.”  
  
We kept walking around the house, making our way back towards the front. Now it was Jackie and Harold who were hugging Brian like he was the prodigal son. Yes I knew that story thanks to him. I guess in a way he was that now. I wiped my eyes at the scene. Kevin’s arm wrapped around my shoulders as we watched. Brian had a long way to go. But the hardest thing had finally happened. He had come home.   
  
“I don’t think he will.”  
  
“Neither do I.”  
  
One day, he would be able to move on.   
  
I was sure of it.   



	15. Epilogue

**Backstreet Boys “Welcome Home” Brian Littrell**  
 _Associated Press_  
  
Missing in action Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell was spotted in Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport yesterday with band mates Nick Carter, and former Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson. Brian Littrell had been missing for approximately nine months now, only a month after the accident that critically injured him and killed his wife Leighanne Littrell. No word has been released on where he had been or why.   
  
The Backstreet Boys and their management have refused to comment at this time.   
  


* * *

  
  
I set aside the article Nick printed out this morning. He was still afraid to leave me alone yet. Then again, so was everyone. So for now Nick, my parents, and Kevin were all staying here. Part of me couldn’t blame them. I did want to leave again, forget everything. I’m sure it was easier, being someone else. But easier wasn’t the answer.   
  
I don’t remember anything since the meeting. I don’t even remember the accident. I’m supposed to see a therapist today about it. Kevin scheduled it. Not sure how I felt about that. But, I didn’t want to put Baylee through all that again. He needed me. I didn’t want to leave my baby boy. He was all I had of Leighanne now.   
  
It was still early, only five in the morning. I knew I was the only one awake. That was how I wanted it. I needed the solitude, the space. Today I was going to go to visit her, before my session. I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to tell her everything, she wouldn’t answer. I knew she would hear me. I hated myself for causing the accident. Even if I couldn’t remember it, the blame rested on me. I was the one driving. I was the one who couldn’t save her. Those feelings live on inside me, even if the memories won’t.  
  
All I wanted was forgiveness.   
  
Something I knew I would never get in this lifetime.   
  
I’m sorry Leighanne.   
  
_I love you._


End file.
